Good gravy, a disaster of my feelings.
I feel like the clingy, boring, obnoxious wench I have been before. It's like trying on the pants I tried on earlier--thinking I was being generous in picking a larger size and realizing it's still not big enough. Looking at myself in the mirror and seeing the paunch, flab, distress markings and bloat. Then eating cavatelli.
I want him all the time. I want to be with him all the time. When I realize I won't be with him at night, I feel I may cry. I feel that nagging feeling that I care for him more than he does for me. I feel that ultimately I will lose him in the same manner I have in the past. I will be that same woman again. I will be that same, quivering, weakling, insecure whelp. He will sniff me out for the fool that I am and he will be turned off. These are my worries. This is my fear talking.
He said himself he does not view me as one of those girls that I characterized as clingy and overemotional. I have feared I am boring, and not enough.
The true root of my fear is how much I love him. I want to live with him and make a life with him. However, I am more than willing to wait on that and develop further. I am willing to wait for what we may become.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Thursday, April 17, 2014
8:29p
Why am I continuously feeling nauseous today? What is happening. Got the period so I know it's not Preggo City...
Puked last night and was flamingly hot. Bad headache. Fartz. I didn't have fartz but I am unhappy, so instead of drat! or blast! I say fartz.
Aggravating. And I hate feeling ill or bad in front of Big D now because he's already seen me ultra sick. I don't want to be what I used to pretend with RAS: a needy, weakling damsel in need of rescue.
Puked last night and was flamingly hot. Bad headache. Fartz. I didn't have fartz but I am unhappy, so instead of drat! or blast! I say fartz.
Aggravating. And I hate feeling ill or bad in front of Big D now because he's already seen me ultra sick. I don't want to be what I used to pretend with RAS: a needy, weakling damsel in need of rescue.
4:28pm
The hits just keep on coming. The greatest hits. The happy hits. The one's that knock you over with glee.
Dog/house-sitting for PR this weekend. Friday thru Monday. Met the wonderful, illustrious Tilly The Boxer this morning and may I say, there has never been a bigger BMF that I've ever met.
PR is fine with Davis coming over, which is fantastic and quite generous. I still feel guilty, however.
My hope is for this weekend to be a nice retreat. Having my own place, basically, and testing what life with Davis would be like, We Two.
I cannot emphasize enough how beautiful and enlivening he is to me. His company, our camaraderie.
This morning my headache had not subsided, and he gently massaged and touched my head all over. It was heaven. His touch is perfect. Every brand and strand and type and form.
Nearly seven months. The warm thrum and thrill, still.
Luckily, he has irritated and grated from time to time. Not some saccharine cake walk. But that's good, too. I like that. I like that we're people and not some idealized role model version of ourselves. Real feelings that we also really get past quickly. Naturally, unhurriedly without pressure.
Anytime I summon the thoughts of our touching and physical exertions, shall we say, it brings a dopey smile to my face. Smitten Kitten. The shoe fits all too well. Too well? Implying negativity? I don't feel that way.
JS told me yesterday that with Big Jimmy, her husband of thirty-four years since age 22, she just knew it was him. It's feelings rather than attributes.
As far as my own feelings on this whole affair: from the beginning it's been an easy, steady, relaxed pace into further and more pleasure and joy. Never any real worries or full-blown doubts. Moments of insecurity at the natural, "ah, yes. Exactly this." quality of the whole thing.
He fed me twice yesterday, by hand. While in theory I do not abide this, in reality it was a lovely intimacy that I relished. Reveled. And he cooks for me. And does he cook. I feel like a mooch, but I also feel comforted and adored and adoring. Gravy gods alive. This man.
I absolutely love him. I love you, Davis.
And wherever this goes, I will have these seven months we built and crafted and gloried in together.
Dog/house-sitting for PR this weekend. Friday thru Monday. Met the wonderful, illustrious Tilly The Boxer this morning and may I say, there has never been a bigger BMF that I've ever met.
PR is fine with Davis coming over, which is fantastic and quite generous. I still feel guilty, however.
My hope is for this weekend to be a nice retreat. Having my own place, basically, and testing what life with Davis would be like, We Two.
I cannot emphasize enough how beautiful and enlivening he is to me. His company, our camaraderie.
This morning my headache had not subsided, and he gently massaged and touched my head all over. It was heaven. His touch is perfect. Every brand and strand and type and form.
Nearly seven months. The warm thrum and thrill, still.
Luckily, he has irritated and grated from time to time. Not some saccharine cake walk. But that's good, too. I like that. I like that we're people and not some idealized role model version of ourselves. Real feelings that we also really get past quickly. Naturally, unhurriedly without pressure.
Anytime I summon the thoughts of our touching and physical exertions, shall we say, it brings a dopey smile to my face. Smitten Kitten. The shoe fits all too well. Too well? Implying negativity? I don't feel that way.
JS told me yesterday that with Big Jimmy, her husband of thirty-four years since age 22, she just knew it was him. It's feelings rather than attributes.
As far as my own feelings on this whole affair: from the beginning it's been an easy, steady, relaxed pace into further and more pleasure and joy. Never any real worries or full-blown doubts. Moments of insecurity at the natural, "ah, yes. Exactly this." quality of the whole thing.
He fed me twice yesterday, by hand. While in theory I do not abide this, in reality it was a lovely intimacy that I relished. Reveled. And he cooks for me. And does he cook. I feel like a mooch, but I also feel comforted and adored and adoring. Gravy gods alive. This man.
I absolutely love him. I love you, Davis.
And wherever this goes, I will have these seven months we built and crafted and gloried in together.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
9:42a
Dreamt I had a rash/blisters/boils all over my legs. Also dreamt was with Orch & BS (old boss) and he tried to give me a pet gerbil in a brown lunch bag...
Rash
To dream that you have a rash indicates repressed anger, frustrations and annoyances. You may be holding in your anger and frustrations, instead of expressing it. Alternatively, the dream suggests that others are trying to put doubt in your head about some decision or choice that you are making. It may be a pun on a "rash" decision that you are making. You need to think twice before going through with your choice.
To dream that you have a rash indicates repressed anger, frustrations and annoyances. You may be holding in your anger and frustrations, instead of expressing it. Alternatively, the dream suggests that others are trying to put doubt in your head about some decision or choice that you are making. It may be a pun on a "rash" decision that you are making. You need to think twice before going through with your choice.
Blister
To dream that you have a blister indicates that some minor annoyance or problem is draining your energy and time. Consider how you may have gotten the blister. If you got the blister from manual and hard labor, then it indicates that you need to put forth more effort in order to overcome your little problems. To dream that you got the blister from a burn suggests an emotional or relational problem.��
To dream that you have a blister indicates that some minor annoyance or problem is draining your energy and time. Consider how you may have gotten the blister. If you got the blister from manual and hard labor, then it indicates that you need to put forth more effort in order to overcome your little problems. To dream that you got the blister from a burn suggests an emotional or relational problem.��
Where the blister is located is also significant. If the blister is on you hand, then it suggests that you are having issues related to power and competency. If the blister is on your face, then it indicates issues related to your identity, self-image, and self-identity.
Legs
To see your legs in your dream indicate that you have regained confidence to stand up and take control again. It also implies progress and your ability to navigate through life. If your legs are weak, then you may be feeling emotionally vulnerable.�If you dream that you are crossing your legs, then it implies defensiveness or your close minded attitude.If you see someone else's legs, then it represents your admiration for that person. You need to adopt some of the ways that this person does things.
To see your legs in your dream indicate that you have regained confidence to stand up and take control again. It also implies progress and your ability to navigate through life. If your legs are weak, then you may be feeling emotionally vulnerable.�If you dream that you are crossing your legs, then it implies defensiveness or your close minded attitude.If you see someone else's legs, then it represents your admiration for that person. You need to adopt some of the ways that this person does things.
To dream that your leg is broken, wounded or crippled signifies a lack of balance, autonomy, or independence in your life. You may be unable or unwilling to stand up for yourself. Perhaps you are lacking courage and refuse to make a stand. If you dream that someone has one leg, then it refers to some sort of failing relationship. If your dream that one of your leg is shorter than the other, then it suggests that there is some imbalance in some aspect of your life. You are placing more emphasis and weight on one thing, while ignoring other important aspects that need attention as well. If you are a woman and dream that your legs are hairy, then it suggests that you are too domineering. You may be overly controlling in a relationship. If you are trying to cover up your hairy legs, then it points to your passive aggressive nature.
To dream that you have three or more legs denotes that you are undertaking too many projects. You are taking on more things that you can handle. Some of these projects will prove counterproductive.
Gerbil
To see a gerbil in your dream represents hyperactivity and energy. It may mean that you are seeking for social activity or companionship.
To see a gerbil in your dream represents hyperactivity and energy. It may mean that you are seeking for social activity or companionship.
Lunch Box
To see or carry a lunch box in your dream represents stored energy. You are preparing for some important event. Alternatively, the dream refers to your day to day support system. Consider the significance of the contents in the lunch box. If the lunch box is empty, then it means that you are lacking spiritual enrichment and enlightenment in some area of your life.
To see or carry a lunch box in your dream represents stored energy. You are preparing for some important event. Alternatively, the dream refers to your day to day support system. Consider the significance of the contents in the lunch box. If the lunch box is empty, then it means that you are lacking spiritual enrichment and enlightenment in some area of your life.
Monday, April 14, 2014
10:52AM
You know it is just the height of misfortune to see people ravaging and soiling their bodies like that. This woman is middle-aged. A prime of life scenario! And here she is, dragging away on some cancer stick and an open bag of cheese puffs in her pocketbook.
Glutei dented in on the back, bulging around the borders. An ill-fitting shirt purchased in Sears Clearance aisles, periwinkle with appliqué butterflies. Dashed lines emanating in their wake before halted in arrested development on display. Arrested flight across a bosom that could use updated brassiere. This can be done and why it often isn't boggles.
Glutei dented in on the back, bulging around the borders. An ill-fitting shirt purchased in Sears Clearance aisles, periwinkle with appliqué butterflies. Dashed lines emanating in their wake before halted in arrested development on display. Arrested flight across a bosom that could use updated brassiere. This can be done and why it often isn't boggles.
Friday, April 11, 2014
11:06pm
PMS? I hope so.
Weepy willow over here. Angry at Davis for maybe a reason? Seems to feel there's no problem with me winging out to see him/driving around to visit him. Does he think I am like food? Just order and it arrives? I certainly hope not. I have lingering concern. He doesn't even view the world this way, I believe. I don't know that he considers the underlying unsaids.
I'm feeling clingy and it's so upsetting. As Julie would say, Trigger. I fucking HATE that word.
I'm just scared that what all this means is he doesn't care as much as I do. That I care too much. That caring too much impairs me and any potential relationship goodness.
My impulse is to withhold. But as Sugar says and I took to heart, that makes your heart small, cruel and brittle. It makes you a smaller person. I cannot withhold. It is wrong all around and helps no one.
Weepy willow over here. Angry at Davis for maybe a reason? Seems to feel there's no problem with me winging out to see him/driving around to visit him. Does he think I am like food? Just order and it arrives? I certainly hope not. I have lingering concern. He doesn't even view the world this way, I believe. I don't know that he considers the underlying unsaids.
I'm feeling clingy and it's so upsetting. As Julie would say, Trigger. I fucking HATE that word.
I'm just scared that what all this means is he doesn't care as much as I do. That I care too much. That caring too much impairs me and any potential relationship goodness.
My impulse is to withhold. But as Sugar says and I took to heart, that makes your heart small, cruel and brittle. It makes you a smaller person. I cannot withhold. It is wrong all around and helps no one.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
12:39pm at the desk
Feeling like a sliver. A jaggedy bout of wood that knows it was formed wrong and is powerless to reshape. Sit on the pile till chipper time, or however else they dispose of the ill-wrought.
Don't want to be at work, want to be home, alone. Can't wait to be alone again. Quiet.
Thoughts are going to be scattershot today, so be careful.
Last night driving home I considered an idea: trial run of living together? Like, a month? He could stay with me while he looks? We could feel it out? Hmm.
(Found out he googled the distance between BG & Milwaukee...)
I need to see what kind of assistance I'll be getting before I decide on a place/budget. If I'm out there by early July, I can work a couple months and save save save.
Anyway--I'm irritable. People are loud and ignorant. People don't stop talking. I do not want to deal with pep. I want silence. As if all the volume of humanity was turned down. Of course, I have to qualify that to recorded sound. That's fine to make noise. But person-to-person, real live voices? No thanks, not today. That would be a good story.
Confused about classes I can take. I have to pick about four. Are the list of 5ish the only ones offered? I would like to take that Modern American Lit course but it's a high 700. Kinda want to feel out the lower courses first to see how deep the water runs.
I truly appreciate MR and her effort to engage with me. So sweet. Happy Birthday, Magical Lady.
Don't want to be at work, want to be home, alone. Can't wait to be alone again. Quiet.
Thoughts are going to be scattershot today, so be careful.
Last night driving home I considered an idea: trial run of living together? Like, a month? He could stay with me while he looks? We could feel it out? Hmm.
(Found out he googled the distance between BG & Milwaukee...)
I need to see what kind of assistance I'll be getting before I decide on a place/budget. If I'm out there by early July, I can work a couple months and save save save.
Anyway--I'm irritable. People are loud and ignorant. People don't stop talking. I do not want to deal with pep. I want silence. As if all the volume of humanity was turned down. Of course, I have to qualify that to recorded sound. That's fine to make noise. But person-to-person, real live voices? No thanks, not today. That would be a good story.
Confused about classes I can take. I have to pick about four. Are the list of 5ish the only ones offered? I would like to take that Modern American Lit course but it's a high 700. Kinda want to feel out the lower courses first to see how deep the water runs.
I truly appreciate MR and her effort to engage with me. So sweet. Happy Birthday, Magical Lady.
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