7:40PM

NOTES ON A SCANDAL:

Fontana's reign of terror

"In your country?" - Judy to Priya

babydaddy owes $31,000 

"I've read 4 books this week and finished the season."

"You're the best,"  "I am the best,"  Jordy getting feisty!

The Grifter's Hymnal - what a great album title.

12:18pm

Imma take your grandpa's style

"December 3, 2012 The Seattle duo literally shakes the dust off the ceiling tiles in this performance at the NPR Music offices. In the span of about 15 minutes, the pair works through a moving message song ("Same Love"), a hilarious goof-off ("Thrift Shop") and a rousingly inspirational closer ("Can't Hold Us")." (brought to you by NPR.org)

#macklemoreryanlewiswednesday

11:40am

Such an odd dream this morning:

Everyone was dressed in white.
Freddie was not paying attention to what I was telling her. (uncharacteristic of her)
Lynne was making fun of Krylon's eating habits in front of her, and while I had to agree with her sentiment, it wasn't right that she was doing that.
So what do I do?  I get involved like an idiot and try to comfort Krylon and set Lynne straight that she's acting like an asshole.  Don't get me wrong - Krylon was stuffing her face like a contestant at Nathan's Hot Dog Competition.  She literally giggled as she downed a can of Coke.  This also disgusted me.
Then, Aeronwy from upstairs was telling me I fucked up an interlibrary loan request--that we do loan out new material to other libraries (which we don't) and we went around and around and come to find out, she was somehow right and I was so wrong.  Krylon was fighting me for the keyboard to show me how I fucked up and to do it "right", meanwhile she was searching the ILL website in a weird way and telling me it was the right way.
My great friend Darling was there but I couldn't get her alone to talk to her.  Annie (formerly Jolene) was sitting across from her, muttering angrily to herself.  She was saying how she knew I hated her; mentioned something about mascarpone cheese.  I couldn't quite grasp where she was coming from, but I knew what she meant.

It was utter chaos.

7:13pm

I just had to defend pacifism to a goddamned Christian.  I was not surprised, but he should be.

11:00am

Notes on TKO:

• CHEATING WITH GUY
• "NUTTIER THAN SQUIRREL POOP."

Birdcalls.  Jolene is playing birdcalls.  In the workroom.  We've officially flown over the cuckoo's nest.

10:12pm

"I know I should go.  I know I have a tendency to get involved with unavailable men..."
- Jean, American Psycho  (Mary Harron; 2000)

Spoke to Tipper this evening, and she informed me again of her romantic woes.  Color me completely unsurprised.
She has this longstanding non-romantic romance going with her "friend" Ethan.  They've cuddled, had romantic feelings and sexual tension, but no payoff.  From what I gather, Ethan is doing the typical guy-in-his-early-20s dance: 

• He knows she's into him and cares so,
• He keeps her in the background, just in case
• For the most part, she never hears from him
• But when she does, he tempts her with backpacking through Europe, or
• Knocks down her ambitions and achievements
• Because, "he has trust issues,"
• Because, "his father died five years ago,"
• Because he wants to keep her on the bench until he's ready to put her on the field.
• Because, this allows him to have his cake and eat it too.  No commitment, no accountability, and a sexy, clingy, caring woman he can fall back on until something else comes along.

I've seen it all before.  I've experienced a variant of this before.  I explained to Tipper that he doesn't respect her, he doesn't value her, and if it takes prodding from his mother to string her along... he's nothing more than a scrub.

"But Kit, I know the real him.  He's not like this, he's just in a douchebag phase."

Oh, Tipper.  Why why why do you buy this?  In his heart of hearts he may still be that great guy.  But right now, he's choosing to be Captain Douche.  His choice is who he is.  And for all his potential good, is all this blatant bad worth taking?  My answer is no.  Ultimately, she will deal with this her way and it'll end up in marriage or heartache.  Or both.

This is the trouble with having friends:  you can't tell 'em nothin', you gotta go through everything with 'em.  Considering the serious downgrade I put on this friendship as of two weeks ago-ish, I'm not willing to deal with this with any depth.  Tipper is going to do what she's going to do, and I'm going to (inwardly) say I told you so if I'm around to see its conclusion. 

The Bright Side:  At least she's not talking about Micah anymore.  (The boyfriend she had for 9 mos. who gave her HPV, made her feel like it's her fault despite his dirty rotten scoundrel of a dick around the Hyde College campus.  It's been almost two years since they broke up and she's still sobbing over his preppy skank ass.)

I suppose Lennie Briscoe has it right, "There's no rules about grief." I just wonder, why does it have to be mine?

4:50pm

Don't ask me cuz I don't know.

I have been dealing with the weepies over the past week.  Last week, I could blame it on menstrual hormones, despite my lack of PMS.  Now, I have nothing.  My sister, friendship of people I don't know, and as of yesterday, absolutely nothing.  Well, nothing I can think of.  Perhaps I need more physical affection - they say you need at least 8 hugs a day?  I get two usually.  I do recall a strong urge to be held.  But what precipitates this?

Maybe I'm watching too much Law & Order.  Maybe avoiding love stories for the past two years bears weight.  Perhaps...? 

Maybe physical activity, Vitamin C, or good clean Christian living could help.  I'm sure they'd only contribute to my feelings of dread. 

Lotta maybes, no dice.  Sure, I have tensions and anxieties going on:

• Tipper and the ensuing blather
• My TKO story
• Money
• Insurance snafoo
• Graduate school
• [insert non-issue here]

But these are manageable.  These are normal.

Thus, I have yet to explain being overcome with poignant feels.  Perhaps I should ask my fellow Tumblrs for advice.  I know they share the same experience.

4:40pm

Trolling through RollingStone.com, found this article:

12 Albums We're Looking Forward to in 2013 | Rolling Stone

• DAVID BOWIE//The Next Day

(image brought to you by www.slicingupeyeballs.com)

3:47pm

Oy Geez here's yet another entry for my list of required reading:

http://www.totalfilm.com/features/600-movie-blogs-you-might-have-missed
http://www.totalfilm.com/features/600-movie-blogs-you-might-have-missed
http://www.totalfilm.com/features/600-movie-blogs-you-might-have-missed

3:43pm

Here's an album that's piqued my interest:

(brought to you by RollingStone.com)

Future Inspired by Jimi Hendrix for Next Record

"This sets the tone for everything that's about to come. I feel like this is my first album that's really going to touch the people in the right way." Atlanta rapper Future has just woken up, but he's eager to discuss his second record, Future Hendrix, for which he's been logging major hours in the studio to complete for a release sometime in 2013...

Read more: http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/future-inspired-by-jimi-hendrix-for-next-record-20130128#ixzz2JJDMOkpi
Follow us: @rollingstone on Twitter | RollingStone on Facebook

2:52pm

A weekend of accomplishment for The Kitten!

• Finished editing and submitted my Big Lebowski paper
• Took the Graduate Record Exam
• Went for my eye exam & contacted HR RE my insurance
• Had a beautiful Italian dinner with my pal Busy
• Found the facebook account of Mom's archnemesis
• Contacted Tipper... which oddly is an achievement
• Cleaned the water closet
• Brought in the trash cans
• Took old X-Mas boxes down to the basement
• 'Bout to launder

"Go me! Goby!" - Animal Crossing VG

11:20am

YOU DON'T OWN ME//LESLEY GORE

I'm not one of your many toys.  It comes to me that a co-worker of mine (let's call her, Judy) that I sporadically call friend is holding the entire department hostage.  I am assuming that this occupation occurred somewhere early on within the past fifteen years, and I am doubtful of a clean getaway.  As the movies will tell you, there are no clean getaways.
I am loath to admit I am one of her enablers.  To explain:  each morning, afternoon and evening the staff are allowed a fifteen minute break.  Judy is the unofficial alarm clock for each break hour.
     "Jolene!  It's your turn!"
     "Fontana!  It's your turn!"
     "Jesse!  It's your turn!"

You get the idea.  Why is she such a fascist, you ask.  Well, she has a Virginia Slim beast that must be fed!  Plus she hates her job and refuses to quit.  Rather than save herself and more importantly, her fellow co-workers, the pain of her pain, she opts to spread her malaise around.  Whining, barking out orders, pontificating, sulking; any brand of ugly she can dole out... she will.  With a vengeance!

Here are her hot buttons:

• nudity
• Barack Obama
• Michelle Obama
• abortion
• anti-Christianity
• racism
• censorship

Ultimately, this means her "friendship" with me makes no sense as each of this issues evoke starkly opposite feelings and facts from myself than they do from her.  Oy.

1:19pm

Notes for Darling:

• I do not think I am a good enough person to be a good person.  It's tiring and unjust and I want to lay down the law.  Of course, this is not my place, but mostly I don't care.  I'm dying to lay these bitches out and I get so frustrated with forbearing and recognizing that all of their ugliness and bullying is really about them.
• Downton!  How do you feel?
• How's Mary Alice?
• What about Gonzo stayed with you?  You mentioned the time, but what else are you referring to?

10:49AM

SOUL MAN//BLUES BROTHERS

DISTURBIA//RIHANNA

TUESDAY AGENDA: 

• Math study (GRE)
• Edit Dude Paper
• Join Creator's Vault
• E-mail Oliver Benjamin
• Add to calendar:
• AHFS The Sessions for Monday
• Add Wait Wait Don't Tell Me to podcasts
• Find Jeff Bridges on Daily Show Youtube video
• Laundry
• Catch up on The Carrie Diaries

Hmm.  If I can get at least half of this done, I'll be in a good place.

Did dream about Mr. Big last night... hayyyy.  Go me!  A good dream for once.

6:21pm

Found a "26 Acts of Kindness" slip inside a book for return.  Perhaps I should do some good deeds; wouldn't kill me, right?  Brainstorm:

• Grab coffee for the gals in the workroom
• Write "Wilder" a letter
• Send Busy a care package

LINK:  Volunteer in DuPage County

Currently copying down the entirety of Frank Stanford's collection of poems, "Shade".  His works are rarely printed and hard to find, despite his cult and critical status as a brilliant author.  Hoping to turn it into a handmade copy of my own.  Guerrilla and illegal art, I presume.

5:29pm

DIAMONDS//RIHANNA

4:22pm

WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU//THE ROMANTICS

oRchid blew off our non-plans.  So technically, nothing has happened.  And I should be pleased with the bit that I got (last night's dinner).  I am choosing to focus on the fact of that rather than the miss of today.

Air strikes of sadness, last night & this afternoon:

• LAST NIGHT: laid in bed and got worked up that my 90 year old grandmother will surely die soon.  We'll celebrate her birthday and she'll drop right after, throwing the world into chaos and misery.  Of course, I felt the same way when she turned 85.  Then I started beating myself up for not being there for her enough/not spending enough time for her.  Despite the fact that I had dinner at her condo earlier in the evening... Of course I haven't spent as much as I'd like, but then, there are so many people and things and places I haven't spent enough time with because bottom line:  I need my alone quiet time in my room the majority of the time.  That has to be okay.  
• THIS AFTERNOON:  Orchid mentioned maybe going to Aunt Roz's house, which I had also been thinking (independently) so I dial up Aunt Roz on the gmail and yes, we can go.  I text Orch and she says she is going out with her pal Zing instead.  The thing that tripped me up was that all today I suspected she would back out because that would be spending two nights with me in a row, which is above and beyond.  I started devolving into a line of thinking: I'm a load, as Mom has said.  I'm a lot to handle and be around and no one could or would do it for very long because I'm just way too much.  This is why people retreat and retract and decline and excuse and et cetera et cetera et cetera.  I bet my co-workers go home from working with me, awash with relief that it's over.  Complaining to their spouses about the obnoxious and haughty Me.  
• as you can see, this brand of thinking will get us nowhere, and is likely mostly untrue.  

10:29am

STRANGE NEWS: Sidewalk driver holds "Idiot" sign

10:01am

CITIES IN DUST//SIOUXSIE SIOUX & THE BANSHEES

dReamt last night that my pal Busy and my not-quite-friend-anymore, Tipper, were both killed.  Not quite, I 'spose.  Disappeared.  I was glad to see Tipper go because her presence made me rife with unease, but then Busy went too at the very end and I did not appreciate.

Let us consult the Dreammoods.com Oracle!

Friend 
To see friends in your dream signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Alternatively, dreaming of a friend indicates positive news. To dream that your best friend is dying suggests that some aspect or quality that your best friend possesses is dying within your own self. 

Disappear 

To dream that people or objects are disappearing right before your eyes signify your anxieties and insecurities over the notion that loved ones might disappear out of your life. You feel that you cannot depend on anyone and that you will end up alone. You need to work on your self-image and self-esteem. 

4:27pm

Investigating Case No. 4x01:  The Case of the Faulty Degree

In this daring episode, Fontana Brass tries to insinuate that she is furthering her education into library sciences.  She unloads this data onto unsuspecting Polish wench, "Oliwia"; alas our trusty gumshoe, Detective Eye, sniffs a fib.  Detective E snubs out her Pall Mall, straightens her collar, and goes to work with the subtle yet piercing interrogatives. 

End of transmission...

5:28pm

(CHRISTMAS) BABY, PLEASE COME HOME//DARLENE LOVE

"Tipper" (a friend... at least right now) sent me this really inappropriate love letter.  Concerned with how to handle this as she's inordinately insecure and nothing I do will be a proper guard against fiasco. Hmm.  Truth will have to set me free.  Wondering if I should tell "Busy" (best friend), as Tipper is a mutual friend of ours.  I'm thinking no?  Will have to consult with mother.  She'll have the insights.  Possibly "Orchid" (sister), if possible.

GOAL:  get back to my fighting weight of 135 by July.
GOAL II:  QUIT SPENDING MONEY!

I'm thinking JJ has a crush on me.  Still going with this instinct.

Lynne is trying her pseudopsychiatry crappity-ola on me.  Insisting that I'm insecure and choosing toxic people.  That may not be wholly false, but it's far from the truth.  Right?  This whole Tipper thing feels less like a choice I made for toxicity and more like being thrown together into a chemical burn.

11:16pm

WHILST PERUSING THEDAILYBEAST.COM:

LINK:  http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/01/15/adam-mansbach-s-book-bag-7-quintessentially-new-york-books.html

     
    
     

8:24pm

CITIES IN DUST//SIOUXSIE & THE BANSHEES

Mothers who refuse to buy bras for their developing daughters, B.O., to Bolognese or not (what the fuck is so hip about bolognese?), fried chicken dates with Grandma, and dreams of my deceased/much beloved grandfather.  Mix, languish, peruse, scatter, pepper, tick off.

LINK:  http://www.legendsofamerica.com/na-tribelist.html

PS:  I think "Fontana" (alias for my safety) is jealous of my new 'do.  So is "Hannah".  But who knows.

Darcy: Bring on the tyros, the neophytes, and the dilettantes. 
Jan: SATs are over, Darcy. 
Darcy: And you're still jealous of my score.

10:56am

Dreamt that the four of us were at Grandma Peg's condo and Grandpa Joe was there.  They were younger, middle-aged.  And he was talking and cracking wise for a long time, and me, Orchid and Dad were all sitting there eating it up.  I think I had the rewind and play back capability.  I believe I was crying for some of it; the three of us could not stop smiling at him, we loved him. 
He also was showcasing his bare leg--pulled up his slacks and was motioning toward his naked calf:

Legs
To see your legs in your dream indicate that you have regained confidence to stand up and take control again. It also implies progress and your ability to navigate through life...If you see someone else's legs, then it represents your admiration for that person. You need to adopt some of the ways that this person does things.

Also--Javier tried to pick me up at Walgreens yesterday afternoon.  Not my beloved Oberweis Javier, but some other Javier.  No word as yet though.  :D  Perhaps it was just a cosmic pick-me-up.

11:09am

BAD GIRLS//DONNA SUMMER
TAKE YOUR MAMA//SCISSOR SISTERS

The "Thanks for Nothing!" Awards (Tuesday Edition)
No thank you to my colleague "Krylon" (alias to protect myself from lawsuits...) for killing my favorite pen, that wasn't more than three months old.  A papermate black ink felt tip pen.  And her hamhocks killed it with her heavy writing and bad taste.  I'm sure the bad taste helped kill it!

No thank you to "Keely" for a) interrupting my break with blahdyblah and b) resurrecting a patron request that I thought was finally dead last week.  bah humbug!  I'll have to return to the old paperwork to see if it can/can't be photocopied.

No thank you to my boss for not quelling my overly blabbery co-worker/her own employee!  When discussing "Val" (co-worker) and her oral diarrhea, "Lynne" (my boss) said, "But what to do?"  What to do?  Tell her to knock it off, Ms. Manager!  Geez Louise, why do I have to do all the thinking for these biddies?

No thank you to "Ginny" from Marketing for being preggers and therefore having no control over her vile farts.  This place has been loaded with people's bad gas lately and she is doing her share.  I suppose.

No thank you to "Jordy" for a) breathing and b) "creating" (a.k.a. putting his name on) the Lumberg Food Cooperative, asking Val for advice, thereby giving her a reason to further verbally shart.  Why must he insist on the illusion that he actually works on this project/cares?  The things we do to pretend rather than actually achieve.

6:55 pm

Last night's dreams scared me majorly.  Baby animals were crawling on me and not pleased.  There were baby skunks!  Plus I got roped into cleaning up a shack and fortifying it from, yes, you guessed it, wolverines.  The Marvel anti-hero or the honked off creature, I am not sure.  Not the point either.  Upon wakefulness, I fired up dreammoods.com (thank you, Zing), and found the following:

Shack
To see a shack in your dream represents your undeveloped self. You need to expand your Self. Alternatively, the dream may also be a pun on "shacking up".

 Mess
To see a mess in your dream symbolizes the state of your waking life. You need to get your life in order. 

Wolverine
To see a wolverine in your dream symbolizes great strength, fierceness and might. Don't underestimate your abilities.

Skunk
To see a skunk in your dream suggests that you are driving people away or turning them off. Alternatively, the dream indicates that your suppressed anger is on the verge of exploding. You are not expressing your true feelings even though you do not agree with a decision.

Sadly, each of these puzzle pieces fit.  My physical and mental surroundings/bearings are inordinately cluttered and mixed.  My thoughts are scattered at best, as are my goals.

The fact that I am to fend off wolverines speaks to my constant hamstringing of my capabilities.  Everything I do well innately, each of my gifts I seek to compromise because if I don't I'd have to believe that no, I'm not some boob that just thinks I'm talented... I actually am.  That's horrifying.

As for skunks, my entire mindset and mood reeks of suppression.  Won't be too long before I spray all over the place, and no amount of tomato juice or home remedies are going to fix it.

On the plus--I can see clearly that I have been successfully suffocating my truth, and thus I can go about fixing it. 
I have to come back to enjoying writing... that's quite the, task.

8:50 am

My friend MR's favorite poem:

THOMAS HARDY//Neutral Tones

We stood by a pond that winter day,

And the sun was white, as though chidden of God,

And a few leaves lay on the starving sod;

         – They had fallen from an ash, and were gray.

Your eyes on me were as eyes that rove

Over tedious riddles of years ago;

And some words played between us to and fro

         On which lost the more by our love.

The smile on your mouth was the deadest thing

Alive enough to have strength to die;

And a grin of bitterness swept thereby

         Like an ominous bird a-wing….

Since then, keen lessons that love deceives,

And wrings with wrong, have shaped to me

Your face, and the God curst sun, and a tree,

         And a pond edged with grayish leaves.

http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/180708

6:36 PM

Dreamt about RAS last night.  A lot.  Can't totally remember what happened--I remember feeling awkward, as usual.

Wanting:  shoes, slacks, jewels.  All of which I cannot afford wisely.

6:33 PM

I find myself irritated by having to share space.  I can't stand having to share my desk, having to be cramped in the workroom.  Having to listen to blather, having people reaching over my desk into my space.  "Back off, please!"--my inner gripe to the universe.  I recognize that I feel cramped and surrounded, and wish I could be left alone.  I really do like being alone.  I feel free to do my own thing and not feel judged, except by myself of course.  Jesus.  I think it's a fear of being judged.... hmm.  But at work, please keep your distance and acknowledge my space.

Alas.  So I ask the universe for encouragement/guidance on how to create tangible, yet invisible boundaries for myself from others.  

I don't want to have to listen to small talk or have to engage, I don't want to be spoken to by most (except moo, frannie, fam or Jeylin).  So I suppose I want to put out there for others to leave me be.  Not angry, just not wanting to engage.

Feeling better for now.  Just wait till I have to end the asheville...