oRchid blew off our non-plans. So technically, nothing has happened. And I should be pleased with the bit that I got (last night's dinner). I am choosing to focus on the fact of that rather than the miss of today.
Air strikes of sadness, last night & this afternoon:
- LAST NIGHT: laid in bed and got worked up that my 90 year old grandmother will surely die soon. We'll celebrate her birthday and she'll drop right after, throwing the world into chaos and misery. Of course, I felt the same way when she turned 85. Then I started beating myself up for not being there for her enough/not spending enough time for her. Despite the fact that I had dinner at her condo earlier in the evening... Of course I haven't spent as much as I'd like, but then, there are so many people and things and places I haven't spent enough time with because bottom line: I need my alone quiet time in my room the majority of the time. That has to be okay.
- THIS AFTERNOON: Orchid mentioned maybe going to Aunt Roz's house, which I had also been thinking (independently) so I dial up Aunt Roz on the gmail and yes, we can go. I text Orch and she says she is going out with her pal Zing instead. The thing that tripped me up was that all today I suspected she would back out because that would be spending two nights with me in a row, which is above and beyond. I started devolving into a line of thinking: I'm a load, as Mom has said. I'm a lot to handle and be around and no one could or would do it for very long because I'm just way too much. This is why people retreat and retract and decline and excuse and et cetera et cetera et cetera. I bet my co-workers go home from working with me, awash with relief that it's over. Complaining to their spouses about the obnoxious and haughty Me.
- as you can see, this brand of thinking will get us nowhere, and is likely mostly untrue.
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