7:15pm

65 Books You Need to Read In Your 20s

Ones I've read:

His Dark Materials//PHILIP PULLMAN
Kitchen Confidential//ANTHONY BOURDAIN
I'm With the Band//PAMELA DES BARRES
Me Talk Pretty One Day//DAVID SEDARIS
The Sun Also Rises//ERNEST HEMINGWAY
Slouching Towards Bethlehem//JOAN DIDION
Letters to a Young Contrarian//CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS


Hmm... 7. Admittedly, some of this shit I won't ever read. Funnily, I do own much of the books on the list.

6:02pm

Just witnessed what has, up till now, been stuff of legend. A complete double switch by my boss Lynne, saying a policy is actually the complete opposite of what it absolutely has been.

Just blew my mind. I'm not mad or irritated or anything like that. Just... wow. So this is what they've all been talking about. Feel like a cherry's been broke.

Unfortunately, I have to go and research MS Office for Mac prices... BAH. SHIT SHOULD BE FREE.

3:33pm

So depressed I want to crawl into the fetal position and vanish.

Watching Titanic may therefore not be the best idea.

Whenever I hang out with my cousin J I always feel so self-conscious and mortified and embarrassed. I'm crippled with the feeling of embarrassment. I always second-guess what I say, how I behave. I feel rigid and confused. Unsure of who I am or what is expected.

I think I need to realize that it's J and it really doesn't matter if I embarrass myself bc he's my family. If he and T didn't like me, they wouldn't want me over. She wouldn't have stayed up till 4am blabbering with me. I don't know why I get myself into that state with them. I just lock up. I feel completely unsure of any boundaries or normalcy.

3:52pm

My cousin Kyle is getting upset with me bc I can't just wing out to see him at the drop of a hat. Too bad, so sad, Buster.

I may have this writer's workshop happening!! HOLY SMOKES. We'll see, but I'm excited!

Nelson Marcheco winked at me and is not observing proper personal space boundaries. STOP.

7:50pm

I am fashioning and striking the iron and honing my armor. Out of mylar, iron, Fannie, Jade, Mom, Dad and Orch. Out of myself. The smiling, subtle shield and suit of a rattler. Of a siren. Of a self.

6:46pm

CHECKLIST FOR WORKSHOP:

• Confer with Chuck
• Write up proposal
• Talk to Belinda Shoat
• Talk to BS again tmm
• Talk to Daryl Meisner
• Call DG PL RE their writer's group
• Shit. They have a workshop. 
• Meet every 2nd & 4th Monday
• Contact person: 
• Pretty sure this is just a forum for a once in a while thing. Drop-ins?
• Janet
• Call GE PL RE writers group
• NADA!
• As with the other pls around the area, they got nothin! YAY FOR ME!
• Hope.
• Try to embrace the wish factor.

7:55pm

JORDY: Ya gonna getcha groove back?

6:27pm

Perched, erect, hardcover in hand. Jean jacket on, despite the 90s trend dying eons ago. Facing the teen greenhorn and the shaven, foolish tutor. Eyeing privately.

In front of them, spitting at her mother over the phone. RE Partridge. Rear the head. The iPod again. Material sniping. Bratty, "Well I did do it! So,"

12:42--Fontana Crass I

"Don't let that dim!"

Little fingers swiped the trackpad. The Dick Van Dyke Show, paused. Between episodes, pre and post supper. Supper: lentil Shepherd's Pie, lemonade with pulp. Cut glass. Lime sherbet dessert. Place mats; salad forks for balance.

A studio apartment on Division in Lumbergh, a major metro suburb. A woman and her grade school daughter. The back end of grade school that alters the connotation of one's social sphere.***

4:07pm

"Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough I don't know why,"

9:01am

So everything worked itself out and I got to sleep, watch Parks & Recreation, and keep out. HEYYY! Or as Valentina would say, "Yeahhhhhhhh buddy!" a la DJ Pauly D.

I can make my ziti, do my DDP, watch Parks & Rec, sleep in my own bed, watch something with Mom... YAY!

Although, Judy just said it's "a somber day"... and it's 9:01am. She'll be working till 5:30 with me. Gulp.

7:53pm

I work at a library. And every day that my co-worker Judy fouls the air with her presence, I am gifted with examples of the bystander effect and how children become brats.

My entire department enables this hag to no end, and she has no shame about it. In fact, she is so self-righteous about it, it disgusts.

WHY. Because she's a manipulative bully. Because they want to "keep the peace". Because it's routine. Because "it's not worth it" to argue....

This frightens me. I need to butt out, but nonetheless.

4:38pm

Trying not to cry. At work. I'm just another baby in the playpen here. Yuck.

Thorns include:

• Take your mother to work day
• Am I overreacting?
• Friend saga (no wonder I never liked the show)
• Wanting a man (not so much, but kinda)
• Mom
• Home/not home

4:20pm

SWEET GOD ALMIGHTY. I'm a confused, twisted, whirly fool.

I have a bad feeling about this night out tomorrow. Dreading. If I still feel this way tomorrow I'll just say I'm not up to it. Oh well. Nothing to be afraid of.

Why do I listen to Mom when it has to do with expressing myself? She helped along my anger issues precisely because she constantly advised me to keep shit under my hat when I was irritated with someone.

If you say that, expect her to end the friendship. She might see it as petty bull shit and cut the cord... 

Because she has psychic/intuitive tendencies I stick with her. Geez. I just need to start expressing myself and be okay if people can't take it. They usually aren't anyway and if they can't, then I can't.

I feel like such a doormat when I do go with the flow/don't let out the anger/concerns. I'm glad I said I'd be disappointed if Busy's B showed up, but she kinda brushed it off... I will handle it.

3:27pm

Disappointed that Busy invited her boyfriend and his pals to "Ladies Night" as she characterized tomorrow night's plans.

I'm thinking I'm gonna not go. I'm not that damn desperate that I go anyway just to say I did something Friday night. And I'm not that weak that I can't say no to her.

2:00pm

I have more shit on my plate than I even realized. Within half an hour I remembered two huge things:

• Room renovation
• Sandals
• Busy party text
• Aunt Ginevra(?)
• Summer workshop! Get on Chuck and pick that brain. Also research & make connections.
• WRITE GODDAMN IT!
• Start Apps for serious.
• Sixfold
• Bacongo Zine 
• Wednesday Darling dinner
• Gatsby

Now I have plenty to do, so no complaints.

UPDATE:  I sent out an e-mail to Piverna in Adult Services seeing what I can do for the workshop.
UPDATE 2: Bought the sandals/used the birthday discount. Also a jumper for work/play/blah.
UPDATE 3: Also sent a message to Chuck RE workshop.

11:59am

The fact that I'm thinking well of you and fantasizing means that I need to get laid/kissed & right quick.

6:02am

  Gone weasel huntin with MR.

tôt rêves

Washing the floor with Mom, "you basically wanted Chuck to suck your dick".

RAS--sex, happiness, he looked good, but I told Mom I knew that was a dream-version of him (within the dream), and that the real him is completely unlike that. Her insisting "a country boy could change [my] mind".... Technically he is from rural ill but... I dunno. I do not believe so. I believe I just wanted to feel loved/wanted by some idealized figure. Anyone I spose.

@ DCC with gma. Baby came to visit, they laid in bed together and smiled. She had brown hair (gma). There was a fire in a lantern near her bed, some associate used a fire extinguisher to put it out. I saved the baby & grandma. Pillow started on fire, I fixed it.

Josh & Jeremy appearing in lobby. Crumpled up cigarette. Two black guys asking for them. Ajala sitting next to me, ignoring everything. Iris laying her head on the back of my legs.

6:12pm

Lynne v. Judy RE scheduling on Mother's Day. That sea is surging, yes indeed. More so than I realize.

12:39am

Seas are churning; all around town, Mom.

Mom vs. Dad & the deluxe vehicle/moneys/lectures.
Orc the selfish brat asshole enabler. (Gma)
Grandma
Aunt M
Grandma A (???)
Jethro vs. Aunt Grace.
Aunt Jessas cancer returns.
Weight.
Busy & her dumbass decisionry.

Watch it function like a failed system. Observe the cycle; report back. 



SISTE VIATOR.

1:28pm

Man with the burned face & his wife.
Engelhart?
Blue coat highlighter duffel.
Jolene as man.

11:52pm

Man Out of Time//ELVIS COSTELLO 

So Jared and I were in the same room/conversation tonight....!?!?!!!! SURREAL. Felt off-kilter of it.

But I got in my DDP Yoga and I feel better. And it wasn't as rough on me this time as Wednesday. I mean, it was rough on me in a great way Wednesday, but I was a corpse by the end. Could barely get my contact lenses out. And it was a 22 min workout. Phew. I love that DDP, he's such a happy-go-lucky-dorky-tough guy. Lovable.

Started playing Candy Crush Saga... Lame. But addictive, as they say.

Had a conversation with Mom about how everything is changed. Still changing, but irrevocably changed. I feel it. Welcome to the new age.