9:14am

Cuz the boyz-n-tha-hood are always hard,
ya start talkin' that trash, we'll pull ya card
ain't nothin' in life, but to be legit
so don't quote me boy, cuz I ain't said shit.

2:41pm

Fuming fucking mad that I'm at work, I have no plans for tonight and would LOVE to do something, and nobody wants to do anything with me. Who invites me to do things (and follows through)?? NOBODY. Darling does. The end.

Revenge is a dish best served.

10:56pm

And for my first thought:

I am in warm clothes, in my warm bed; I have people that love me. My cup runneth over. I don't need any more than that now. I have it all.

11:19am

I had a series of truly graphic dreams last night:

• I can't remember the context but there was blood and body parts all over the place. A ton of carnage.
• Massacre 
  To witness a massacre in your dream suggests that you are a follower. You tend to go along with the ideas of others without question and hesitation.

• A fight with MP--talking with AB (ew) and he waltzes up, gets way too close and starts blabbing though I'm clearly talking with someone else. I was sitting and he was standing directly in front of me and way too up in my space. He gets mad when I tell him I'm talking with AB and grabs my arm/gets in my face so I wrench him off and grab his wrist. We physically fight and I knock him down/throw a chair at him. I won, but felt like I lost. Told Moo about it and she looked very upset but told me not to tell Lynne as she would do nothing. 
• Fighting 
  To dream that you are in a fight indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life. If you are fighting to the death, then it refers to your refusal to acknowledge some waking conflict or inner turmoil. You are unwilling to change your old attitudes and habits.
• Two overweight babies with loaded diapers being changed on the kitchen floor by some stranger/biker? Beard, middle-aged, overweight, not associated with the babies. Asian babies??
• To dream that others are fat signifies prosperity. Consider also the phrase "it ain't over till the fat lady sings" and how you need to wait for the final result and not assume the outcome.
• Stranger 
  To see a stranger in your dream signifies a part of yourself that is repressed and hidden. Alternatively, it symbolizes the archetypal dream helper who is offering you insight and advice.
• Kitchen To see a kitchen in your dream signifies your need for warmth, spiritual nourishment and healing. It may also be symbolic of the nurturing mother or the way that you are for your loved ones. Alternatively the kitchen represents a transformation. Something new or life altering is about to occur. The dream could also be telling you that if "you can't stand the heat, then you need to get out of the kitchen". You need to abort your plans.
• Two Two stands for balance, diversity, partnership, marriage cooperation, soul, or receptivity. It can also symbolize double weakness or double strength. The world is seen as being made up of dualities and opposites, as in the male and female, mother and father, light and dark, heaven and hell, yin and yang, etc.
• I've been having a ton of twin references or "twos" in my dreams.

Twins 
To see twins in your dream signify ambivalence, dualities or opposites. You are either in harmony with or in conflict with your ideas and decisions. Alternatively, twins represent security in business, faithfulness, and contentment with life.

To see twins fighting in your dream represent a conflict between the opposites of your psyche. One twin signifies emergence of subconscious material and suppressed feelings, while the other twin represents the conscious mind. There is some situation that you are not confronting.

To dream that you are giving birth to fraternal twins implies that your creative mind is clashing with your personal beliefs. Something or someone is pulling you in opposite directions.

Just told Mom and she mentioned AB&DK........ Weird.

3:35PM

Mental health:

• End at 10:15
• $85 UO
• More cigarettes
• MFA planning:
• Brown
• Amherst
• Syracuse
• Madison
• Indiana
• Tuscaloosa
• Florida
• Texas 
• Texas II
• Louisiana
• Minneapolis
• Meditation
• Shower
• Food
• Toilet
• Writing.

1:42pm

Thoughts for the remainder of Monday:

• Give self pedicure
• Think about that "selfie a day" business. 
• (Already did one. Albeit with middle finger)
• Enjoying SATC
• Spend UO gc in search of jewelry box/jeans/bottoms for work
• Goodwill
• Read a Pablo Neruda poem
• Watch Into the Woods
• Bring in trash can & unload dishwasher
• Schedule Leah appt
• Read The Sense of an Ending
• Smoke
• Animal Crossing or WWE '13
• Laundry

See! I can think of things to do! Now, the actual doing them...

5:28pm

The trouble of me is not Sam
Shepard, did I spell him correctly? Well
the trouble of me is the lack
Of Passion for writing, reading, being EA
Being ROM, being someone whose
intensity is frightening. I
am the doldrums. I cannot summon the
urge, desire, starvation.

I am down on myself for not living a "writer's life". I am down because I am not someone else who exists only in this regard. I'd rather lay around and play Candy Crush, and suck up time blandly with the internet or low-key blathering. Where is the magnet? Where is Joan Didion or even one of my hacky old profs? Where is the Lex in me? Why am I not organized or even trying? I believe as Julie says, I am obsessive about being some illusionary prefect. I do not consider that I am okay, that I am not doing nothing. Be imperfect. Waste some time. But I feel lazy, that I am not working hard enough. That is hard to be argued against. I know this, but I feel only lethargy when I have opportunity to remedy this. I consider people better than myself when they do things I do not.