5:28pm

The trouble of me is not Sam
Shepard, did I spell him correctly? Well
the trouble of me is the lack
Of Passion for writing, reading, being EA
Being ROM, being someone whose
intensity is frightening. I
am the doldrums. I cannot summon the
urge, desire, starvation.

I am down on myself for not living a "writer's life". I am down because I am not someone else who exists only in this regard. I'd rather lay around and play Candy Crush, and suck up time blandly with the internet or low-key blathering. Where is the magnet? Where is Joan Didion or even one of my hacky old profs? Where is the Lex in me? Why am I not organized or even trying? I believe as Julie says, I am obsessive about being some illusionary prefect. I do not consider that I am okay, that I am not doing nothing. Be imperfect. Waste some time. But I feel lazy, that I am not working hard enough. That is hard to be argued against. I know this, but I feel only lethargy when I have opportunity to remedy this. I consider people better than myself when they do things I do not.