Post 201

Feeling depressed about my mother and what happens when a life ends.

My mother is so full of belief for ghosts and spirit and afterlife and consciousness beyond existence. Physical existence, she would clarify.

My tears stem from the thought that if she ends with her life on Earth closing, and there's nothing afterward, she certainly won't mind what happened before, just as she didn't mind what happened before she was alive.
But I will mind that she was so filled with insecurity. That she cannot accept a compliment or any sort of gesture of love. That when the four of us sit together at a dinner table, she feels like she is the ignorant one. She gets shut down and/or dismissed. When my sister does it it pains me most. I could go into that but I don't have the energy right now.

I don't want her one and only life to be filled like this. To be characterized by such fear and narrowness.

Boy am I nauseous.

I truly believe, more and more, that this is my only life. There is no afterward. As such, I must make the most of what I can as much as I can. Life is so painfully short. It is like waking up one workday morning just in time to realize you have time to do absolutely nothing.

Is love the ultimate, strongest biological excuse for procreation? Is that why it evolved into something so important for humans? For someone like me?

I feel like my mother is a child I must herd and guide and protect. I don't want her to go into that night alone and scared and worried and stressed and pained. I want her to be free and fancy-free. I want her to be happy. If, when she dies, she does not visit, I will know. I will know how it operates afterward. Though, perhaps visitations are hallucinations or emotional reverb to console our nervous systems. If we have to go to such lengths to get ourselves through the day, then caring so much may not have been the best evolutionary step. Is it one? I need to talk to experts about this.