11:54am

If you get in my way, I'll run your ass over.

Lynne is trying to fuck me over with my schedule. Nuh-uh, bitch. You're out of town? It's open season. I'll come in when I want and you won't have a clue. So much for your control.

I'll ask Lucy about it and if she likes, she can play dumb as if she doesn't know. That may be best.

As for Esther Krylon? Blow me you lazy sack of pig intestine.

9:49am

DREAMSCAPES

RAS (xbf4evadeck) appeared at a family party that was at our house (this would never happen on sooo many levels), sat down next to me at the family table. He seemed to be moon-eyed over me but also very withholding (as per usual) and playing it cool. I basically was pleasant to him but unenthusiastic/amused at his presence. Saw it for exactly what it was, and that he was in the same frame of mind.

So Orchid or Busy (can't remember which) were asking if he was going to stay longer and trying to see where he was coming from to which he backpedaled and made excuses for why he had to leave (insert Mom reference here: Just like your Uncle Ty, all house of fire to go home in case his friends called him). So RAS leaves, and later Mom comes up to me saying how he ran to his car from the house because of the questions asked of him/blahblahblah. Also that she and Dad were on their walk and saw him drive by in a convertible. He saw them, and freaked out to the point that he hit something. His car was also loaded up with papers and tons of junk.

What the hell.

Convertible To see or dream that you are in a convertible refers to your glamorous attitude. You are showing off your power and influence.

Junk To see junk in your dream symbolizes your need to get rid of and discard old ways of thinking and old habits. 

Clutter To see clutter in your dream indicates that you need to clean up and organize a certain aspect of your life. The dream could be telling you that you need to let go of the past.

So I go to tell Mom this dream ce matin, and before I can even get it out she whips around and goes, "Oh my god I was just thinking about him not ten minutes ago!"........ Weird. I apprised Busy of this and she goes, "oooooh strange, strange!  Something wicked this way comes?"

I do not believe so, but I've been wrong before. The man does not like unfinished business and he still has articles of my clothing and my Troop Beverly Hills DVD (of which I miss dearly). We shall see I suppose. I'll probably be 75 in the home and he'll bring that shit over to my hole in the wall, and then we'll play Fight Night on Gamecube and think back to simpler times.

12:10pm

I either need to have raging sex, or verbally eviscerate someone.  This is zero-sum.

Lynne, Bethany, the whole boat.  On the list.  And the only rebellion I can muster without getting myself in major league hot water is parking in my boss's spot.  No, there's no LYNNE PARKS HERE sign.  It's her unofficial spot.  And I took it.  So fuck her.  She wants to make parking an issue?  Let's go.

Meanwhile--I have good things on my platter and I need to address:

• Stone Cold Steve Austin has a podcast!  I have to think up a question for him.  I will ask questions every week until I get one answered.  Bah gawd, I love this man.
• Reconnect with Chuck in progress.  Talking about my blockade, his musical foray, life in genz.  Such a breath of fresh air.
• Finally cleared the air with Tipper.  Remember her?  I barely do, too.
• Going to J&T's home Friday after work.  Hopefully gonna get in some good family gossip.

With that in mind, here are the following people that are being served notice to change or reap the punishment:

• Dad, get this goddamned Gettysburg trip together or I'll fuck you up!
• Bethany--QUIT YOUR JOB.
• Lynne--QUIT YOUR JOB.  Else, measures will be taken.

Reaching a breaking point with my patience for the day and it's barely noon.  Must fantasize straight away.  My only feasible, enticing tonic in the arsenal.

Old news/New old friends.

"They say revenge is a dish best served cold.  I say, any time you can get it fine, just take it.  Never let a chance for revenge pass you by." 

I am at work.  This is no surprise.  What is surprising is Bethany, a mouthy/whiny/obnoxious buffoon co-worker is all het up about something.  Something being her ongoing, grim, grueling legal battle with her soon-to-be ex.  She just burst forth with feeling!:

I want to kill everybody in the world!  I'm so sick of this shit!  I'm sick of this bull shit!  Because he's going to win and I'm never going to see my kids again!

Jesus Christ, get a grip. I got up, closed the door to our workroom, sat back down and felt waves of giddiness rarely before felt.

In other news:  what shall I have for my late dinner?

I love Chuck.  Friend from college.  Brilliant writer.

9:21am

BULLETS FOR TODAY.

• For Gilly's bday--Letters to a Young Poet.
• Want those blue shoes for spring.
• Bathroom clean
• Call Leah
• Text Tina?
• Glad that I got out of tonight's blowoff sesh
• Computer is acting funny
• internet connectivity
• display

11:45pm

Future question to future students:  How would this person react if?

• They were in a trailer park in Arizona?
• They were betrayed?
• They were on stage?
• They were watching Sumo wrestling?

11:41pm

I round out my tour of the omelettes of Chicago tomorrow morning.  Lume's of Western Ave, Beverly, IL is reigning champ.  Niko's Breakfast Club close by was also good.  Danby's station of Glen Ellyn will be next. 

9:30am

Mental Note:  research Santa Muerte...

12:10am

Never do I personify the stereotype of the hapless girl more than when I am at J&R Auto.  It's like the switch in my back is flipped over to jamoke female--bumbling and awkwardly laughing and not understanding a word that is said to me.  I am not amused.  I will have to learn the guts of my car.

3:54pm

I'm fucking PISSED because I can't go to therapy tonight.  My car is busted up on the bottom and it's snowpocalypse out there.  Gotta wait another damn week.

8:00pm

Best way to block out the dillettantes, sycophants, numbnuts at work:  Fantasize about a bald, buff, brash, beautiful lover.  F*cking in public, f*cking in private.  Longggg makeout seshes.  I'm sitting here wet rather than pissed.  

10:28pm

T&J potentially pissed at me for wanting to resched a Rylo bday celebration.  I just thought they wouldn't care.  In all honesty, even if I didn't have previous YEAR-LONG made plans, I would rather hang out with them solo than at a party.

Maybe I just haven't heard from them because they're, I don't know, BUSY.  Like they always are!

This isn't the end of the world.  Besides, not like they wouldn't appreciate a good southside irish parade!  Speaking of which, I gotta get some green apparel stat.

Post Script:  Spoke with Mom, she feels T&J won't care, as I expected.  I just hope there isn't a fluke in the breeze.

5:54pm

4.5 hours since last cigarette.

Symptoms:

• Face feeling tingly and bloated
• Thoughts racing & constantly veering back to cigarettes
• Light nausea
• Throat feels constricted

Realizations:

• The breathing of Esther & Mom scare the shit out of me.  I am scared it will happen to me.  I don't want that.
• The nicotine stains on my teeth are annoying
• The oral blood clot of two days ago scared me majorly
• I will be so happy if I triumph against cigs
• They aren't even tasting good anymore
• I need more willpower to suppress my eating than just reaching for a cig
• More $$ saved for a condo/car upon halt of cigarette purchases
• Physical look and quality will go up
• I already can feel negative physical ramifications from smoking and I have smoked half a pack a day (ish) for 2.5 years.  Just imagine what will happen if I keep going.
• I'm on birth control.  This & cigs do not mix well.
• Drinking without smoking will be hard.
• I can do this.  
• I don't want cancer/emphysema/lungs like charcoal briquettes.
• The smell.
• Ash & smell all up in my car.
• The nicotine is rearing its ugly head right now because it's used to having a smoke when I get in the car to go home.  I've missed my moment and it's pissed.  Too bad.
• The nicotine uses the following excuses for me to smoke:
• eating suppressant
• much of fam & friends smoke
• characters I love smoke & justify doing it (lebowitz)

Accomplishments:

• Didn't smoke when I went out with Judy on break, TWICE
• Didn't smoke during car ride home
• Didn't buy more smokes

These seem small but I am breaking routine.   I'm acting independently and choosing not to.  This is a start.  When I crave, all I can think is how cigs aren't as appealing to me anymore.  At times, it feels like a chore.... GEEZ.

5:44pm

PUMPED UP KICKS//FOSTER THE PEOPLE

I concede to morning and light a cigarette.  I'm pleased with myself that I remembered the CDs I wanted to listen to for the ride to work today.  I recently re-watched Martin Scorsese's documentary on Fran Lebowitz, Public Speaking and was reminded that I need to get my paws on some Pablo Casals albums.  The flame in Fran's eyes when she describes her love of Casals, listening as a child prompted me to want to know.  What is there to feel?

So I have Pablo Casals' Encores playing and I'm at the big stoplight for Park Blvd. & Roosevelt Rd.  There's an older gentleman, possibly Asian or possibly quite wrinkled in the right turn lane.  I drag languorously on my cigarette and witness his arm across the steering wheel, jumping with... nerves?  lack of hydration?  poor health or stress of some sort.  He grasps at the wheel, eyeing traffic alertly, waiting for his moment to sneak into the eastbound flow.  The red is always long, so I continue to observe his arm.  This calls back to the oral blood clot I found in my mouth the other day.  Scared the shit out of me.  I am trying to quit smoking.  I have to do it.  I just can't gain all the weight...  Sadly, that scares me more than the laundry list of smoking ills.  Old Man seizes opportunity and cranks right. Cars pass; the light is green.

Winding through the north side of my town, the richer side, I come to a five corner stop.  The Lexus SUV lets me go first and I wave thank you, but don't look them in the eye.  I find myself rude.  The era is getting more inherently disingenuous as people can no longer physically face each other, much less look you in the eye.  I even catch myself doing it.  Screens have replaced skins.  This isn't old news, it's still sad news.

This morning my mom told me she was Loretta Young.  With the way she swooned and flourished out the door, I believed her.

Post Script:  There's one person I know that for her own, and the collective health of those around her, must continue to smoke cigarettes.  She's the grand exception.