5:54pm

4.5 hours since last cigarette.

Symptoms:

• Face feeling tingly and bloated
• Thoughts racing & constantly veering back to cigarettes
• Light nausea
• Throat feels constricted

Realizations:

• The breathing of Esther & Mom scare the shit out of me.  I am scared it will happen to me.  I don't want that.
• The nicotine stains on my teeth are annoying
• The oral blood clot of two days ago scared me majorly
• I will be so happy if I triumph against cigs
• They aren't even tasting good anymore
• I need more willpower to suppress my eating than just reaching for a cig
• More $$ saved for a condo/car upon halt of cigarette purchases
• Physical look and quality will go up
• I already can feel negative physical ramifications from smoking and I have smoked half a pack a day (ish) for 2.5 years.  Just imagine what will happen if I keep going.
• I'm on birth control.  This & cigs do not mix well.
• Drinking without smoking will be hard.
• I can do this.  
• I don't want cancer/emphysema/lungs like charcoal briquettes.
• The smell.
• Ash & smell all up in my car.
• The nicotine is rearing its ugly head right now because it's used to having a smoke when I get in the car to go home.  I've missed my moment and it's pissed.  Too bad.
• The nicotine uses the following excuses for me to smoke:
• eating suppressant
• much of fam & friends smoke
• characters I love smoke & justify doing it (lebowitz)

Accomplishments:

• Didn't smoke when I went out with Judy on break, TWICE
• Didn't smoke during car ride home
• Didn't buy more smokes

These seem small but I am breaking routine.   I'm acting independently and choosing not to.  This is a start.  When I crave, all I can think is how cigs aren't as appealing to me anymore.  At times, it feels like a chore.... GEEZ.