9:31am

Had a date last night with "Davis". The afterward was more nervewracking than the beforehand. He was kind and funny and relaxed and I appreciated getting to know him. But was there a spark? Flirtation? No.

But who knows. You can't foretell what will happen between people. Maybe we will see each other again. Maybe never. But it was a good night and it got me out of my comfort zone.

However. It reinforced some (perhaps erroneous) notions I have about myself and my nature as a potential partner. I am a lot going on in one person. I am intimidating. In a non-Robert Mitchum, non-Hulk type of way. I am everywhere in my head. I can be mercurial. I can be calm. Inquisitive. Quiet. Angry. I am a full-fledged person. I don't always feel like a woman. I don't like to initiate flirting or girly stuff. I find it unseemly. I can be wooed into it, but I never begin. Tiger by the tail, fellas. Maybe I'm building myself up, but on a small pond scale, I don't think I am. I think I scare most men. Especially men my age range. I'm more adversarial. I have lines and checkpoints. And I do not care that I am not pleasant, gentle, a wisp of femininity. That is kept safely inward and emerges once the hardness is balanced and addressed. Hardness? Edge. Adversary. Whatever it is. The hard shell guarding the mallow center.

So I'm a candy now! Psh.

I can be affected by what other people think of me. However. Take this. 'This' could be anything. I can do this, I'm gonna do it my way, and if you get in front of it I'll run your ass over. The end.

I would say my flirtatious approach is, you're gonna fucking notice me. Ha! How endearing!