2:35p

ANGER.

I feel so sad that I'm not with him, and then I want to slap him.

Invites me to trivia night, then says he doesn't even wanna go because of his car troubles. THEN WHY FUCKING BRING IT UP.

Still slightly raw about "i got raped" during rummy. If you joke about rape, there should be a joke in there. Saying "I got raped" to stand in for, "this sucks, I'm losing", isn't funny because it's not quality. It's not worthy of the subject. It's lame and boring. He needs to improve his lexicon.

I'm still angry that he brushed it off. Just another thing. Just another item on the agenda that doesn't bother him. It bothers me he doesn't get bothered. GET ANGRY GODDAMMIT. I'm so sick of this go with the flow bull shit. Of course, I wouldn't want it another way either. I like that he doesn't get worked up. Except when something happens to me. Then I want fireworks and outrage. I don't want someone like my dad who blows it off and thinks it's no big deal. It's a weird reactionary thing I do with men in particular. When they don't get angry and don't get hot about things or get bothered, my own anger and stress magnifies amplifies. Then I get REALLY angry. Just to bait them? Get a rise out of them? Build them up so I can smack them down? When I don't get the outrage (perceived loyalty) I want, then I want to punish and make them angry. make them as uncomfortable as I am. For not getting what I want.

I just want to control and punish and torture men. Part of me does. I want to fuck them up mentally for messing with me. I want to own their happiness. I want to exact all the consequences of their selfishness and disregard for female being. They don't understand, and they should be made to.

I'm still angry at Orch for being a snot-nosed brat like always. I hate being around it. I hate seeing her get away with being a bitch. I want to just sit her down and beat the fuck out of her. Get it together you fucking mean-spirited cunt. I need to let it go but I can't until it's justified. I want that justice. Justice in my view.

I will discuss with Julie tmm.