2:59p

To read this fucker you'd think I was always an angry, bf-hating, insecure harpy. Only when I type here lately, it seems.

Off work @ 430, RJB coming in around 6. Big D tells me he's not showing up till around 6... "That fine?" NO IT ISN'T. But it sure tells me, doesn't it? Sure tells me how much you want to see me. How excited you are and how much you miss me...

I am concerned I will rag him publicly. At least I know I have the urge, and I know what will happen if I do so. Ugliness I can't undo.

Okay, K, quit crying at work. Unseemly and then questions to follow.

I didn't even respond. Should I tell him not to come at all?

This all on the heels of me being so excited to see him and missing him so much. Hence the hurt.

Now I'm just zooming off down the road of negative expectation: "he'll be on his goddam phone and watching TV and barely there." Let's not go there, and if that happens, deal with it later. No need to pile on.

Plus, I'm super anxious about this apartment bull shit, though I think Oakland will be it... and I'm pre-menstrual. Does that matter? It shouldn't. I think it does though.

SO ANGRY and more than that, hurt. It's like, don't you want to see me as soon as possible? As much as possible?

I'm so scared of being in this neighborhood of feelings alone.