8:02pm

I'm so happy I could cry and it's not right.

Stone Cold Steve Austin answered a tweet I sent him, which sent me over the edge into Thrillsville, but I'm getting... like postpartum depression at the moment passing?

I'm just struggling with anxiety and depression period these days.

I'm getting back into wrasslin' and my question to Captain Broken Skull, and my question period, is: why does wrestling get such a bad rap?  What is so taboo or lowbrow about it?  What is there to be looked down upon?  From conversations with haters, here's what I have gathered:

• the spandex
• homophobia
• the hair
• the soap opera quality
• the skanky girls
• "it's for kids"
• "it's for rednecks"

Steve responded, "which people look down on wrestling, in your opinion?"  I answered but I probably won't get another response.  I'm not sure if I answered properly.  I tried to explain myself.

I'm wanting to live more in my fantasy land than in reality.  But then it's crushing because I know it's a fantasy and it will never be.  I'll never be the top of the Attitude Era WWF.  Impossible.  But I can fantasize about it.  And then I have to give it up.  And then I rip myself to shreds for having these fantasies and thoughts--I'm wasting time, it's so lame, it's embarrassing, I'm a freak, I'm a failure, I'm a loser.... it just rolls on and on down the line.

AKA, IAP.  In A Pickle.

7:36pm

Did I commit the venial sin of selling out?

I asked Esther about her recent behavior toward me in a very subtle, non-confrontational type of way.  I didn't point out specific instances, I just asked her if we were okay.  She assured me we were and she wants me to just "be [myself]".  We'll see what happens.  I just couldn't pull the trigger and point blank parade her misdemeanors in front of her.  I just couldn't.  Why?

I believe I have a blood clot in my mouth.  This frightens me.  I would like to quit smoking.  I would like to be more active.

It's nice that I've not ganjed it up lately.  Recently I had a psychotic space-high where I suffered from raging racing thoughts and I was scared to death.  That was the last straw.

Saw Julie for the first time last night.  I really loved it.  I really like her.  She's a Knoxian, believe that! I have another appointment next week and I can't wait to blab at her again.

7:00pm

Getting the symptoms of a panic attack. Shortness of breath, nausea, teary, fear. 

Just watched The Invisible War (Kirby Dick, Amy Ziering; 2012) and I feel so knocked out.  I have not and never wanted to join the military.  I understand the desire to join, but I fear for those that do.  Not just women.  That environment is so beyond toxic and horrifyingly dangerous.  Rape is an "occupational hazard of military service."  What does that even mean?  What does that say?  Why?!

I mentioned that I watched the movie to Mom and mentioned a detail from it, just to emphasize my personal horror - this one survivor's pelvis was rotated due to her attack.  Mom then shut me down and walked away, continually and with much irritation repeating that she didn't want to hear it and she won't go there.  I repeated I wasn't going to continue, but she kept on.  As if I was attacking her.  Of course, this is the woman that won't admit I was raped, and basically concluded that what happened to me was my fault/a result of my poor judgment.  Despite the fact she was the first person to point out to me she thought I had been raped.

This is an ongoing and quasi-recent dilemma I have with my mother.  She's been like this, but lately it's getting worse.  She's highly defensive and cranky ever since this guy at her job got fired.  She's worried he'll come back to the office and attack or something.  I mean, the guy is a whackjob.  I wouldn't be shocked if I saw him profiled on the nightly news for some violent episode.  However, he is a weenie.  He may blow, but he is also highly ineffectual.  I can't honestly gauge if her concern is valid or just an exaggeration.  To her it's life-size, and that's all I can go on.  The result for her family is she doesn't really give a hoot what problems we're dealing with.

This is not to say my mother is often like this.  She can be the most understanding, helpful, supportive person on the planet.  But she is cyclical--there's always that selfish phase she has to go through for a while before she returns.  When she's all het up about her own fears/anxieties, just walk away.  She is of no help to you. 

This part of her personality I am familiar with and consequently, I don't get as mad or hurt by it.  It's not really about me.  The part I am frustrated with is her unwillingness to end her enabling.  Her feeling about a) rape in the military:  "I've never understood why women would ever want to join the military when they know what could easily happen."  b)  religious toleration:  "people are always going to believe this stuff and they may be right and it's up to them so why are you getting so upset about it?  You can't change it, so just let it go." 

I absolutely despise this attitude.  It's my fault for being upset about social issues that touch me deeply.  Things aren't going to change, people are what they are, so get over it and try to live your own life.  Except you can't do that, because all of this shit does affect my "own life".  Ignoring it or avoiding it doesn't work.  It doesn't help.  It's not right.

This is the moral standstill I'm currently engaged in.  My parents are strong advocates of leaving things alone, and I am not.  I'm chided for being the way I am.  I'm asking for upset and trouble.  Fuck.  My own mother?  How does she not see that avoidance is a crapola response to hard, deep, searing trauma and hypocrisy? 

Wonder what she'll think when I tell her I have a therapy appt Tuesday?  I believe she'll be fine with it but... hmm.  We'll see what happens.

Not one of my most well-written entries here, but one of the most necessary.

3:04pm

I'm piping hot at Esther right now.  Piping.  Close to fuming.  Point out another goddamn puny mistake to me.  Just one more and I'll get there.

10:12am

Okay campers, not two days after my note-writing extravaganza on the Fontana story do I hear Fontana referencing a detail I wanted to put into the story!  I want to incorporate a fear of Alice in Wonderland into the story; I walk back through the reserves room where Fontana is on the phone and what does she say, repeatedly?  "Well there's a giant white rabbit running through the house."  ...!!!  Consider this my cue to be so human and view a synchronicity or pattern in the collective unconscious that relates to me and confirms my feeling about that story element.  Go me!

9:35am

What if:  when the work ladies start blabbing about their kids, I start blabbing about mine?  Of which I have none.  All of their achievements and positive traits and charms.  Every time they talk about the glory of  their children, I join in?  At first they'd be amused, then they'd be scared, then they might shut the fuck up.  Conditioning training brought to you by Stone Cold Kit Austin.

12:03am

Cory Craig is the key to the Fontana story.  Even more than Partridge.

• His being a high school student
• Youthful virility
• a measure of her looks
• panic
• fear
• gripping at the illusory

11:57pm

My amble toward Madison officially began in fall of 2010 for the famous Madison Zinefest...

4:03pm

A day of pert-near-menstrual mood and bloat.  

Getting vastly irritated with my inane surroundings.
Feeling uncomfortable in my flowy, cute clothes.
Glad Esther Krylon went home.  Not that she was irritating, actually she was easy-going and sweet today.  I just should be left alone.

Got to talk to Dad about his Grandma issues today.  She is a load.  And a liar.  Hypocrite.  Control-freak.  And completely reliant on my dad's help.  Without gratitude.  It's totally logical that he's struggling and all that unresolved upset is now burbling over.  I'm glad he talked about it and was willing to listen to the few insights and suggestions I have.  Usually he's so angry that he is beyond listening.

12:07am

WHY DO I WANT TO WRITE THE FONTANA STORY?

Why does this story need to be told?

What is the story?

"Write the story you want to read." - Maya Angelou

At a basic level, I want to eviscerate Fontana's entire being.  I want it to be public that selfish children posing as adults, like her, exist, and must be held responsible.  The theme of personal responsibility is a major one in my views of the library.  There is no moral accountability, therefore how much truth can there be amongst the ranks?

It's the same issue I take with Judy and her evangelical Christianity.  Not the same Christianity Brand of Darling, whose moral foundation is of love, care, non-judgment.  Of course I cannot get behind non-judgment.  I will never master non-judgment, I do not seek to reject judgment.  Judgment is important.  It's different from being judgmental.  It's auteurship.  It's confidence.  It's depth of thought.  If you do it right.  Serious judgments take serious contemplation, angst, fear, frustration and willingness to be uncomfortable.  These are honorable pursuits.  Whereas with Judy, she hides behind a false sense of certainty, false sense of superiority and results in bullying, nastiness, and lies to herself and everyone else.  A foundation of lies.  When you cling that much to an exterior in place of yourself, you cannot be honest.  You cannot be because you forsake it.  You devalue the painful clarity, the stride in your step gained by the pursuit of personal truth. 

In the case of Fontana, I see a child that is enabled and fearful of her own shadow.  I see a brat and a charlatan of culture and intelligence.  I see a terrible mother and a perpetual whining daughter.  Her claims of victimhood at the hands of her mother could be true.  Her mother could have been horrible.  Her childhood probably scarred her greatly.  This would be an uncommon occurrence.  I see a mooch.  I see Narcissus, albeit less profound a myth.  I see delusion.  I see intellect with a brilliant, electrified VACANCY sign coruscating, bathing it in red.  I see a symbol of a generation.  I see a parable.  A cautionary tale.  A common tale.  An unromantic, anti-sexy tale.

OTHER NOTES: 

I must stop my fear of Garland.  So many people use it, so many experience it and gain from it.  There's nothing wrong with it.  It doesn't make me dumb.  It doesn't make me a fool.  It puts me in touch with another aspect of myself that I cannot access when straight.  It's harmless.  It's just illegal.

I must stop my deference to deference.  I say loudly, I've had it with "being offended".  I say loudly, I've had it with "taking offense".  Fuck you.  Offense isn't a legitimate complaint.  You might be offended, but being offensive isn't a crime.  It can make you a solid asshole.  It can get you labeled negatively by antiquated, Puritan sensibilities.  I can't take forsake my truth or my opinions for the sake of political correctness.  I personally cannot do this anymore.  What I can do instead, is take umbrage.  Somehow that doesn't feel so tacky; is more esteemed.  Sincere.

4:54pm

Cult of Personality//LIVING COLOUR

BIRTHDAY WISHES & KAHLUA DREAMS:

• Bookshelf
• The Walking Dead DVD Set
• Downton Abbey DVD Set
• Curtains
• New bed linens
• Dressing table
• Allman Bros vinyl
• Princess phone/cord phone
• a condo
• Diana Vreeland as muse

5:25pm

Conversations on religious faith keep cropping up at work.  Is this good or bad?  More than anything, I believe it has a tincture of danger.

Krylon and Colleen were my co-blathers.  Colleen was born Ukrainian Orthodox, but converted to Catholicism to marry her husband, Joe.  Her and Joe promised his parents they would baptize and confirm their children, which they did.  At this point, Alex is a Notre Dame graduate and atheist, Rob is a quasi-practicing Catholic.  Up until this year, Colleen gave chocolate up for lent (apparently every year) and faithfully gets her ashes on that Wednesday.  She doesn't do lent now because she's, "too old to care."

(I really should give Krylon a new alias but I'm so enjoying this moniker.  Maybe I'll change it to Esther, her sister's name.  Okay, you twisted my arm.)  Esther, formerly known as Krylon (though I reserve the right to reclaim) is Protestant-Methodist.  Her kids were baptized and confirmed, after which she left their spiritual journeys to them.  This is where the conversation gets interesting.

Esther has obviously seen that I am currently reading: The End of Faith: Religion, Terror, and the Future of Reason by Sam Harris; and currently have the following documentaries checked out:  Conversations with Richard Dawkins: The Four Horsemen (Episode 1), God on Trial: Dinesh D'Souza vs. Christopher Hitchens, and Does God Exist?: Christopher Hitchens vs. William Lane Craig.  She offered to me a paperback series (I wish I could remember the name) that in essence, is historical fiction based on the bible and, "really helped [her] nail down the timeline of the bible."  I was thinking, so, historical fiction based on historical fiction?  That's some kind of meta!  The volume she showed me featured King David and some mesopotamian tramp who were obviously drawn in the overly made up 1980s...

Alas, you do not say these things due to the ominous fragility of the attitude of the faithful.  Plus, I just got to work, I'm not picking a fight.  Plus plus, remaining open to my co-workers faithful anecdotes and ruminations help me understand where they're coming from and what points of view are out there.  I want to hear allllll the versions of the story.  I'm lucky in this regard, I work with:  Polish Orthodox, Ukrainian Orthodox, Catholics, a Muslim, Methodists, Born-Agains, New Agers, potential atheists, agnostics and half-hearted Christian moderates.

So back to Esther Krylon.  Krylon can be her last name.  Here are some snippets of Esther's views:

• It's all blind faith...  There's no proof [of God], you just have to have faith.  I mean, there's no recipe or formula or equation to give you God, or prove He exists.  That's what people can't get their mind around.
• You know, Protestant, Methodist, Catholic, Christian, none of that matters!  It doesn't matter because when the Revelation comes, all you have to do is accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior, and really mean it in your heart... I mean, it could be a split-second decision or a lifelong decision.  You can't bet on it, you have to mean it.

In everything she said, I could see that she truly cleaved to these thoughts and beliefs.  As usual with the faithful, when it's apparent that I'm secular and have not been indoctrinated into any faith, the glances become piteous, pompous, wishful.  If only I could see it their way.  How could I have missed that crucial step of childhood training?  "Who are the wolves that raised me and where is my twelve gauge?" Esther exhibited the pity portion of that list.  This type of unwelcome pity used to upset me.  Now, I reply with wonder.  I feel it and I act with it.  What else can I do?  

12:15pm

Contemplating Annie:  
A film character which personifies her nearly to the letter is Frank, the frill-necked lizard of The Rescuers Down Under.

• Ornamented in garish color and accessory (though Frank can pull it off)
• Forever tripped up on the insignif detail, blowing by the blatant big picture
• Poking her tail into the lock, hoping if she just coaxes and wriggles enough she'll be free

12:42pm

Had this beautiful dream sequence that I was dating Sam Harris and we were happy as could be.

• there was cuddling
• & kissing (very very good kissing)
• & laughter
• & silly moments
• & serious moments
• I remember feeling like this is the man I'm going to marry and seeing that reflected in his eyes.

 I mean, I never have good dreams like this.  Then it took a turn for the strange, as it usually does, and there was a baby/exponentially growing raccoon in the library and we had to get someone to catch it.  We were at the Lumberg Library of course, where my whole life happens.  Or, is.  Dreammoods.com, take it away:

Raccoon
To see a raccoon in your dream signifies deceit and thievery. You are not being completely honest in some situation. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are hiding something. You are keeping a secret.

 Come to find out, this is true.  And I was alerted to this when I woke up this morning and saw a text from Tipper, asking about our longmade plans for today.  That I had forgotten about.  That I want no part of.  That, to be fair, we never made concrete.  Shit.

10:32am

I've sent nudie pix of myself over the internet.

9:49AM

OH!  I cheated so bad in a math class in high school that my ditzy teacher even caught me, but didn't turn me in.

9:45am

I'm pretty sure I'm an asshole.  This confession will not be sexy.

I just listened to a co-worker I don't actually care for or respect insult my friend, and I didn't say anything.  I ducked.

Also on my mind is when I cheated on an exam.  Open-book cheated.

I made out, numerous times, with the grotesque friend of my ex, also my friend (at the time).  It wasn't out of revenge, it was out of complete topsy-turvy fuckedupedness.  I didn't know up from down at that time.  I only say that to let it be known, I wasn't getting back at my ex.  Though I still feel like a complete shit.

This is for starters.  More will come to me.

9:11am

"Woke up this morning, got myself a," note that did not make any sense:

"Kit,

If you are talking about when I cut you off the other day, you are welcome.  You were criticizing the patron and she was still at the front desk helping her son put his coat on and could easily have overheard you.

I do however, apologize for offending you, that was certainly not my intention.

-Judy"

Later, when she explained the incident to which she was referring I a) was not referring to that event in my note to her (about treating me with respect) and b) she was still wrong.  I wasn't criticizing the patron at that time, nor did she cut me off.  She just tried to explain how she was right, when she was not, and did a piss-poor job.  Here's a recap of the event Judy mentioned in her note:

• Lucy is the Lumberg Public Library District's Reserve Clerk Extraordinaire.  She ran her reserve report.  
• Reserve Report:  Report that lists reserves/holds that have expired for patrons, and thus must be pulled from the holdshelf.
• Patrons have 7.5 days to pick up their reserves from the date of activation.
• The DVD The Odd Life of Timothy Green was listed on said report.  It was being held for Marge Cerulean.  Marge's hold expired, thus moving it on Gerard Clemence.
• Before Lucy got to the holdshelf to pull The Odd Life, Marge arrived and took the DVD from the holdshelf.  Thence she carried it around with her whilst browsing for a bit.
• Lucy pulled the rest of the reserves from the holdshelf and went to activating the new reserves/returning the materials without other holds to their rightful places.  She couldn't find The Odd Life; she and I came to the conclusion that Marge was probably walking around with the thing.  Unfortunately, she could not have it.  Just one of those things.
• Judy is on desk.  I am at the switchboard, no more than two yards away, but behind our dingy curtain separating the Circulation Work Room from the Circulation Desk.  (Because who needs doors.)  Lucy is at her Reserves terminal deeper in the work room.
• Judy yells out, "LUCY!", rather than sneaking behind the curtain and heading toward Lucy to ask her a question.
• Lucy is on the phone and too far away, unable to respond/hear.
• Judy has The Odd Life of Timothy Green in her hand, the reserve label on it reading, "Cerulean, Marge".
• I see the DVD & label, and tell Judy what's what.  
• Lucy happens over.
• Lucy confirms what I'm saying.
• Judy is peeved that a) I know what's going on more than she does, b) she isn't getting what she wants (being able to give Marge the DVD), and c) whatever other bull shit reason she could cook up.
• Judy responds thus:  "Well, we can't have this happen again!"  
• Kit/I--(thinking) Well, it rarely happens anyway.  It's just one of those things, and oh well, it's a movie.  She can put a new reserve on it so when it's available, she'll get it again.  Besides, if she let it sit there for 8 days, she can't have cared that much.
• I did say to Judy, "It's not our issue.  It expired and unfortunately the timing was inconvenient for her and Lucy."
• Judy replies, "Well, the issue is her name was on it."
• Lucy and I look at each other, no it isn't dumbass.  The issue is that she let it go to the last minute and is sour now because she can't have it.  Too bad, not a big deal.

Somewhere in this story I was being critical of the patron and Judy cut me off.  If you can find that part, let me know. 

P.S.--Lucy is much more cautious and tactful than Judy or I could ever be, and if she didn't see a problem with what I said, there wasn't a problem.  Judy just didn't like being wrong, even on such a petty matter.

This is just one of infinite examples and anecdotes I have that depict the pettiness and silliness of the people I work with.  

The incident I was referring to, a la Judy needs to be more respectful of me, her FRIEND, is as follows:

• Kit(moi) is at the switchboard, perhaps two yards from the front desk where Judy is perching.
• Judy pops her head through the curtain and says, "Is Fairmount Square incorporated?"
• There is a map of the entire Village of Lumberg hanging on the wall directly to the left of where Judy's head now is.

                                  WALL w/ MAP |       

                                                              |       Curtain &

                                                              |         Judy

• See what I'm saying?  If not, I'll create a diagram and send it to you.
• I look up at her and say, "I have no idea, the map should tell you."
• She responds, "Um, I have problems reading the map, Kit."  (Snippy tone here)
• I look back down at my book, I Know This Much is True by Wally Lamb, and say nothing.
• FIVE MINUTES LATER:  Kit(moi) puts youth books on the youth shelving cart, to the immediate right of the curtain.  
• Judy bursts through the curtain, storms up to me and goes, "What is WRONG with you?!" (Snotty tone here)
• Shaken, I reply, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with me."
• Judy stormed off and said nothing more. 

I went on break by myself after that to collect my calm.  When I came back inside, she again accosted me, except this time in front of a patron.

Come to find out, she had also asked Lucy why I was mad at her.  Apparently we are in fourth grade?  No one sent me a memo!  How dare.

At any rate, the latter anecdote was what made me mad and drove me to ask for a modicum of respect.  Preferably more than a modicum.

In closing, all I can surmise is I'm dealing with a person who has warped perception skills.  Dramatically warped.

10:07pm

LES FILMS à VOIR:

• The Eye has to Travel  (Dirs. Lisa Immordino Vreeland, Bent-Jorgen Perlmutt, Frédéric Tcheng; 2011)

• Charlie is My Darling - Ireland 1965 (Dir. Peter Lorrimer Whitehead; 2012 [restored version])

•  Compliance (Dir. Craig Zobel; 2012)

(images courtesy newyorker.com/clothesonfilm.com/imdb.com)

9:51pm

Watched Trouble with the Curve with Mom & Orchid.  The unanimous review is as follows:

• Lazily crafted script
• Saptastic dialogue forming extraneous plot filler
• Lots of said extraneous plot filler
• Lameness
• Ill use of John Goodman & Justin Timberlake
• Nothing ventured, nothing gained

 

12:40pm

"'If If's & But's Were candy & nuts', eh, how does the rest of that go?." -HOMER SIMPSON

Well gents & dames, it finally happened.  Judy officially went on the offensive against me yesterday. What surprised me was how shaken I felt afterward.  I knew it was coming; said so the night before it happened.  Alas, nobody likes being barked at and confronted at work.  Especially over lameness.

Spoke to my manager, Lynne, about it.  She was no help.  She loves drama and stirring the pot, so she tried to advocate on Judy's behalf (flaccidly) and I can predict with certainty that she will be putting the two of us together more often to bring the sitch to a roiling boiling boom.  Ain't never too hot in the kitchen for Lynne.  Lucky for me, I'm sleuthier than her.  I know how to ice this mo'fucka.

Lucy (formerly referred to as Freddie) and Valentina will both be in this afternoon so I am pleased as punch I'll have some good vibes around pre-Judy (arrival est. 5:00pm).  Even luckier for me, Avery will be in at 5 with Judy, and Avery is a good buffer against any form of dramz.

Mother suggested that Judy might feel bad about what happened yesterday, might surprise me.  Pardon my cynicism but I feel Judy's gone over the deep end.  Has lost it.  Went cuckoo.
WANTED:  MARBLES.  $00.14 REWARD

I think you read me.

'Far from the madding crowd's ignoble strife,
Their sober wishes never learn'd to stray; 
Along the cool sequester'd vale of life
They kept the noiseless tenor of their way.'

Thomas Gray, Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard, 1751: 

On the plus-side:

• Krylon eased off yesterday
• Lynne is not in today
• Dinner with Saffron tonight
• Dinner with Darling tomorrow
• Fun with Busy Saturday

Old news

Lies Fontana told me (and others):

• That a nasty patron threw her driver's license at Fontana, and that Fontana admonished her
• racist convo with "Ward"

9:59am

Dreamt this morning that Uncle Biff wanted to bury the hatchet with Dad.

12:04PM

WAITING FOR THE END OF THE WORLD//ELVIS COSTELLO

Our good Christian pal Judy is probably not as appreciative of My Aim is True as I am.  I got in at 8, along with co-worker Alison.  She asked, "should we have some tune-age?"  I am known as the person who plays music whilst stamping before we open; a mantle I take up happily.  It's a peaceful, soothing way to inject some of my sensibilities into this place.  Simultaneously a chance to ease my nerves before the onslaught.

Originally I was looking for The Beatles because nobody can argue with that.  Then I decided on Elvis because come on.  What a great way to send off the week.  Welcome to the Working Week, Miracle Man, Blame it on Cain, Watching the Detectives, (The Angels Wanna Wear My) Red Shoes, Less Than Zero....  Too good!

Once Judy arrived and settled in, I noticed the imperceptible change in mood: a rankling against the evil heathen music.  "There's no such thing as the original sin,"  ?!?!  AIE!  BLASPHEMER!

Ireland, Prince Edward Island, Hawaii, The Smokeys, Alaska, Victoria Falls, The Galapagos.  These are the places Judy wants to go.  Europe, Asia & Africa hold no appeal for her.  As well they shouldn't, for I feel the inhabitants of those countries would find her a tubby, ignorant, yammering American like the rest of them.  There's nothing Continental about her.