INSPO 3:48P

“Wow, I’m only 28, if I stop taking chances now, if I stop doing new things now because I’m afraid to fail, what am I gonna do for the next 20 years?’ That was really the main reason that I said yes; it was like, ‘I have to still put myself in positions where I could fail’.”

-cINDY cRAWFORD

4:59p

This morning: Orch brought down photos she took of our cat, who perished yesterday.
This afternoon: Mom walks in from her errands with frames, to hang the photos.
My reaction: Give me a break. Are we seriously doing this now? Let it the fuck go. After all the whining my mother has done about the cat, she's all teary and sentimental now.
I should've known.

I am tired of sentimentality. He was 19, he was in pain, it was time. We had him so long.

I suppose people grieve in different ways and there is no one right. I just get frustrated.

I also get frustrated at having to explain shit I already did. Yes yes yes, speed up!

4:01p

Angry Angry Angry.

Maintenant:
I do not like hearing people retell things wrong. I do not like hearing ignorance.
I am infuriated at having emotions RE RAS. I want to have no emotion or feeling whatever. GET IT OVER WITH.
I can't believe it, but FH is irritating me. What a nightmare.

1:46p

You are passive-aggressive, manipulative and indecisive. You gaslighted me out of your own insecurity with emotion. You made me feel inferior because of my openness, a quality inherent in me.

I wasn't always nice, and often full of rage. You were cruel.

3:30p: On RAS

So. RAS Returns. I'd prefer The Empire Strikes Back, thank you.

S.E. Cupp?! Really. Really? My instinctual response was, "I'm insulted at the comparison to that twat."

Moo: He mentioned red hair? You didn't have red hair when you were with him... The funny thing is, this is so not like him.
Orch: He wants you to beg?
Brye Toast: Interesting... he's probably upset with his current situation.
TKO: You're the one that he couldn't control and bend to his will. You didn't do what he wanted and that drives men like that crazy. Don't answer. Drive him crazy. Men hate to be ignored.
CVG: Men are boneheads. Haha, wow.
Agent J: So random! It's just silly. Obviously he didn't think!! Maybe he's lonely and reminiscing on old times.

Part of me wants to know what he wants. Part of me is pretty sure I already do. He wants to make a connection for some reason. Friendship? Love? His own loneliness? Wanting closure? Any and all possible. He's a loon, so it could be anything.

The fact that it was such a lame, forced attempt at nonchalance is the icing on the giggle cake. I'm sure it took him five months to figure out what to say to me and how to perfectly say it. The usual joke with RAS: just say what you want to say and cut the crap. I'd respect that. This? Yet again, he goes for the smoke and mirrors.

My other instinct was, I WIN! HAHAHAHAHAaaaaaaaaaaa.

In the past, I've hoped I could show him just what a fucking mistake he made and be 'effortlessly striking', as Carrie Bradshaw once put it. Time moved on and the need for that went away. Now he's popped back in, and the urge has surfaced.

I have so many thoughts:

1. Not answering may seem as though I am still angry or have ill will. I don't, really. I don't want to be that angry ex who's still punishing him.
2. I do not want to be available to him whenever he feels like stopping in.
3. Are my words still not meaningful to him? I said good-bye. Why now, a year later, does that no longer apply? Did I "come to [my] senses"?
4. Isn't this just desperation on his part? Peut-être: Dissatisfaction with his life, or loneliness, or nostalgia. Nothing to do with me, KDC?
5. If it is to do with me, what? 
6. Hasn't enough time passed for his verbal trapeze/verbalympics to stop? It's been so long, why not just say what you mean? 
1. Basically, he's the same avoidy guy.
7. Why would one think this is a good idea? Is this presumptuous?
8. Of all things, SE FUCKING CUPP?? You're lazy and pathetic.
9. Why am I still on your mind? Closure?
10. PS, RJB did NOT defriend him. Which is okay, but she lied about it. Why?
11. Yes, I am all mindswirly on this. 
1. Much like every other damn time, just when I thought I was out, he pulls up and makes a cameo.
2. It's never over with this bozo. Why not? Why can't it just end? 
3. Do I want that? Don't I like being in demand and chased? 
4. (I swear I saw the lamp quiver.)
12. What's next? Where and why?
13. Am I mad about this? Slightly thrilled? Feeling my ego? D) All of the above.
1. Mad: How tacky. Lazy & egotistical. As if I'm waiting around. 
1. BIG: I don't get it
2. CARRIE: And you never did.
2. Thrilled: Oooh it feels just like Ann-Margret in Kitten With a Whip to know you're "putting yourself out there".
3. Egotistical: see above
14. I want to talk and talk and talk about this but I refuse. No one wants to hear and I'll show my hand. I feel that if I talk about it, I'm showing my interest and feelings. I worked so hard to let it go. Am I undoing all my work? 
15. Mom insists I'll be responding. "You hate not knowing." I feel I will and I won't.
16. Short term effects: I shaved and I will be picking yoga back up. Tummy's gotta go down. Esp for Jefferson. If I'm going to be in any way physical with this man, I need to shape up or ship out.

Onward and forward. Googling "when an ex texts you", the Fall 2013 Couture Fashion Shows (Alexis Mabille, Alexandre Vauthier, oh my!), and cleaning up my statement of purpose. Cat box cleaning and DDP Yoga. 

Bang Bang.

2:06 p

This family is a simpering, moody mess. Moo and Orch are fighting about... chores. What are we, 12, Orch? Get the fuck over it. You DON'T do anything.

Moo is playing our indefatigable martyr. Orch is playing the brat. You can imagine how well this is not playing out. At least, after hearing O's bull shit argument as to why she is too good to go to the fucking WalMart to get catbox liners, I can safely say she's a lunatic, privileged, spoiled brat. Like I've said for eons. Of course, I'm the petty lunatic in the corner enjoying this phase of her youth, aka, showing her ass.

I am avoiding writing my statement of purpose for mfa. No good! Gotta get that done today. Get it off my mind.

I'm interested in writing family. Everyone's guilty and there are no clean getaways. Guilt, shame, regret.  Penitence, patience, humility. Technically: Ekphrasis, childhood, privilege, the uncanny/doppelgangers,   unreliable narration of our own lives--inability to be objective.

Currently watching: The Carrie Diaries bc I want to see my honeybuns Samantha Jones.

• Detergent
• unsalted butter
• whole milk
• kosher salt?