11:42a

So what is it this time?

The whole ridiculous rigmarole over Kill Bill. Lying guised as teasing, obstinacy, and pettiness. Trigger: purposely avoiding something I want to do. Not doing what I want to do.

Now, I feel like he doesn't get how backwards he behaved and how it angered me. Though he claims he does.

Still angry and not wanting to let it pass. I want to hurt him and punish him. I don't want to bend first.

Unrelated: resentful that it seems as though he doesn't have to ever do anything he doesn't want to. He never has to be inconvenienced.

6:11pm and breaths

I'm so anxious lately it's painful. Like the old days.

I'm 160 lbs. I'm officially overweight. Lose 10 to start with. You can do this. Fruit, yoga, walks. MKE=swimming.

I am so insecure about Davis. Crying now. Worrying I'm contaminating everything with my fears and worries. I have trouble trusting relationships to begin with and especially ones with men whom I love. The inclination to punish. The fear of rejection and not being good enough. My weight, yet again. My heavens am I lucky all I have to do is drop ten to start with. That's not bad at all. Imagine if I was morbid. Good gravy. Or even more. Okay, that's not the point here. The point here is my fear of Davis. I used to be okay and fine and myself and without worries, and now I'm nothing but worries with him. I can't even enjoy myself. I'm constantly second-guessing and obsessing and angry. My stuff needs to be let go. I need to let go of the anger and the desire to hurt. That will not give me joy. That will not satisfy me. I will only break my own heart or erase it. I cannot do this to him. I love him and I cannot hurt him that way. It's cruel and wrong and I know it.

He thinks I'm sexy. He didn't want me to go.

I must stop with the little details nagging in my head. I must. Just trust it will sort itself out and they'll come to you if they want to or feel the need.

2:59p

To read this fucker you'd think I was always an angry, bf-hating, insecure harpy. Only when I type here lately, it seems.

Off work @ 430, RJB coming in around 6. Big D tells me he's not showing up till around 6... "That fine?" NO IT ISN'T. But it sure tells me, doesn't it? Sure tells me how much you want to see me. How excited you are and how much you miss me...

I am concerned I will rag him publicly. At least I know I have the urge, and I know what will happen if I do so. Ugliness I can't undo.

Okay, K, quit crying at work. Unseemly and then questions to follow.

I didn't even respond. Should I tell him not to come at all?

This all on the heels of me being so excited to see him and missing him so much. Hence the hurt.

Now I'm just zooming off down the road of negative expectation: "he'll be on his goddam phone and watching TV and barely there." Let's not go there, and if that happens, deal with it later. No need to pile on.

Plus, I'm super anxious about this apartment bull shit, though I think Oakland will be it... and I'm pre-menstrual. Does that matter? It shouldn't. I think it does though.

SO ANGRY and more than that, hurt. It's like, don't you want to see me as soon as possible? As much as possible?

I'm so scared of being in this neighborhood of feelings alone.

2:35p

ANGER.

I feel so sad that I'm not with him, and then I want to slap him.

Invites me to trivia night, then says he doesn't even wanna go because of his car troubles. THEN WHY FUCKING BRING IT UP.

Still slightly raw about "i got raped" during rummy. If you joke about rape, there should be a joke in there. Saying "I got raped" to stand in for, "this sucks, I'm losing", isn't funny because it's not quality. It's not worthy of the subject. It's lame and boring. He needs to improve his lexicon.

I'm still angry that he brushed it off. Just another thing. Just another item on the agenda that doesn't bother him. It bothers me he doesn't get bothered. GET ANGRY GODDAMMIT. I'm so sick of this go with the flow bull shit. Of course, I wouldn't want it another way either. I like that he doesn't get worked up. Except when something happens to me. Then I want fireworks and outrage. I don't want someone like my dad who blows it off and thinks it's no big deal. It's a weird reactionary thing I do with men in particular. When they don't get angry and don't get hot about things or get bothered, my own anger and stress magnifies amplifies. Then I get REALLY angry. Just to bait them? Get a rise out of them? Build them up so I can smack them down? When I don't get the outrage (perceived loyalty) I want, then I want to punish and make them angry. make them as uncomfortable as I am. For not getting what I want.

I just want to control and punish and torture men. Part of me does. I want to fuck them up mentally for messing with me. I want to own their happiness. I want to exact all the consequences of their selfishness and disregard for female being. They don't understand, and they should be made to.

I'm still angry at Orch for being a snot-nosed brat like always. I hate being around it. I hate seeing her get away with being a bitch. I want to just sit her down and beat the fuck out of her. Get it together you fucking mean-spirited cunt. I need to let it go but I can't until it's justified. I want that justice. Justice in my view.

I will discuss with Julie tmm.

12:15p

It doesn't mean the same thing to me as it does to you.

MAD MEN has taught me yet another new thing, or an old thing I forgot. I believe it is the former:
There isn't a tribe out there without members assured of their moral certitude. Others certitude and resulting judgments do not affect this. Right?

4:15p

Mad as a hatter. And not in the crazy way, in the fucking angry way.

Goddamn D. Don't fucking condescend to me. Clearly not interested in living together, which is good to know but makes me want to know why.

How much does this buzzard even like me? Maybe if it ends it will be like all his other relationships that was over when it ended and he didn't think about it afterward. Maybe I'll just be another dust mote cast off by the moving pages of his book.

Am I just convenient to him? When I'm no longer convenient I'll get the heave-ho?

On the plus side he clearly doesn't notice or care about my weight problem.

Is this all in my head? My reactions to the male species with whom I am closely tied are hard to leash. Like Tilly on steroids, age 2.

11:42a-11:43

The Big-Time To Do To Folk List:

• When Big D gets that goddamn phone out to look at it over and over, tell him, "Say, Pardner? I'm hitting my limit with the cell phone stuff." Etc.
• When Orch ditches out again on a family event she said she would attend, tell her she gets to tell such-and-so and to say no to begin with. I'm tired of the lying and having to be her secretary.

I am excited about this.

6:27p-6:41p

Good gravy, a disaster of my feelings.

I feel like the clingy, boring, obnoxious wench I have been before. It's like trying on the pants I tried on earlier--thinking I was being generous in picking a larger size and realizing it's still not big enough. Looking at myself in the mirror and seeing the paunch, flab, distress markings and bloat. Then eating cavatelli.

I want him all the time. I want to be with him all the time. When I realize I won't be with him at night, I feel I may cry. I feel that nagging feeling that I care for him more than he does for me. I feel that ultimately I will lose him in the same manner I have in the past. I will be that same woman again. I will be that same, quivering, weakling, insecure whelp. He will sniff me out for the fool that I am and he will be turned off. These are my worries. This is my fear talking.

He said himself he does not view me as one of those girls that I characterized as clingy and overemotional. I have feared I am boring, and not enough.

The true root of my fear is how much I love him. I want to live with him and make a life with him. However, I am more than willing to wait on that and develop further. I am willing to wait for what we may become.

8:29p

Why am I continuously feeling nauseous today? What is happening. Got the period so I know it's not Preggo City...

Puked last night and was flamingly hot. Bad headache. Fartz. I didn't have fartz but I am unhappy, so instead of drat! or blast! I say fartz.

Aggravating. And I hate feeling ill or bad in front of Big D now because he's already seen me ultra sick. I don't want to be what I used to pretend with RAS: a needy, weakling damsel in need of rescue.

4:28pm

The hits just keep on coming. The greatest hits. The happy hits. The one's that knock you over with glee.

Dog/house-sitting for PR this weekend. Friday thru Monday. Met the wonderful, illustrious Tilly The Boxer this morning and may I say, there has never been a bigger BMF that I've ever met.

PR is fine with Davis coming over, which is fantastic and quite generous. I still feel guilty, however.

My hope is for this weekend to be a nice retreat. Having my own place, basically, and testing what life with Davis would be like, We Two.

I cannot emphasize enough how beautiful and enlivening he is to me. His company, our camaraderie.

This morning my headache had not subsided, and he gently massaged and touched my head all over. It was heaven. His touch is perfect. Every brand and strand and type and form.

Nearly seven months. The warm thrum and thrill, still.

Luckily, he has irritated and grated from time to time. Not some saccharine cake walk. But that's good, too. I like that. I like that we're people and not some idealized role model version of ourselves. Real feelings that we also really get past quickly. Naturally, unhurriedly without pressure.

Anytime I summon the thoughts of our touching and physical exertions, shall we say, it brings a dopey smile to my face. Smitten Kitten. The shoe fits all too well. Too well? Implying negativity? I don't feel that way.

JS told me yesterday that with Big Jimmy, her husband of thirty-four years since age 22, she just knew it was him. It's feelings rather than attributes.

As far as my own feelings on this whole affair: from the beginning it's been an easy, steady, relaxed pace into further and more pleasure and joy. Never any real worries or full-blown doubts. Moments of insecurity at the natural, "ah, yes. Exactly this." quality of the whole thing.

He fed me twice yesterday, by hand. While in theory I do not abide this, in reality it was a lovely intimacy that I relished. Reveled. And he cooks for me. And does he cook. I feel like a mooch, but I also feel comforted and adored and adoring. Gravy gods alive. This man.

I absolutely love him. I love you, Davis.

And wherever this goes, I will have these seven months we built and crafted and gloried in together.

9:42a

Dreamt I had a rash/blisters/boils all over my legs. Also dreamt was with Orch & BS (old boss) and he tried to give me a pet gerbil in a brown lunch bag...

Rash 
To dream that you have a rash indicates repressed anger, frustrations and annoyances. You may be holding in your anger and frustrations, instead of expressing it. Alternatively, the dream suggests that others are trying to put doubt in your head about some decision or choice that you are making. It may be a pun on a "rash" decision that you are making. You need to think twice before going through with your choice.

Blister 
To dream that you have a blister indicates that some minor annoyance or problem is draining your energy and time. Consider how you may have gotten the blister. If you got the blister from manual and hard labor, then it indicates that you need to put forth more effort in order to overcome your little problems. To dream that you got the blister from a burn suggests an emotional or relational problem.��

Where the blister is located is also significant. If the blister is on you hand, then it suggests that you are having issues related to power and competency. If the blister is on your face, then it indicates issues related to your identity, self-image, and self-identity.

Legs 
To see your legs in your dream indicate that you have regained confidence to stand up and take control again. It also implies progress and your ability to navigate through life. If your legs are weak, then you may be feeling emotionally vulnerable.�If you dream that you are crossing your legs, then it implies defensiveness or your close minded attitude.If you see someone else's legs, then it represents your admiration for that person. You need to adopt some of the ways that this person does things.

To dream that your leg is broken, wounded or crippled signifies a lack of balance, autonomy, or independence in your life. You may be unable or unwilling to stand up for yourself. Perhaps you are lacking courage and refuse to make a stand. If you dream that someone has one leg, then it refers to some sort of failing relationship. If your dream that one of your leg is shorter than the other, then it suggests that there is some imbalance in some aspect of your life. You are placing more emphasis and weight on one thing, while ignoring other important aspects that need attention as well. If you are a woman and dream that your legs are hairy, then it suggests that you are too domineering. You may be overly controlling in a relationship. If you are trying to cover up your hairy legs, then it points to your passive aggressive nature.

To dream that you have three or more legs denotes that you are undertaking too many projects. You are taking on more things that you can handle. Some of these projects will prove counterproductive.

Gerbil 
To see a gerbil in your dream represents hyperactivity and energy. It may mean that you are seeking for social activity or companionship.

Lunch Box 
To see or carry a lunch box in your dream represents stored energy. You are preparing for some important event. Alternatively, the dream refers to your day to day support system. Consider the significance of the contents in the lunch box. If the lunch box is empty, then it means that you are lacking spiritual enrichment and enlightenment in some area of your life.

10:52AM

You know it is just the height of misfortune to see people ravaging and soiling their bodies like that. This woman is middle-aged. A prime of life scenario! And here she is, dragging away on some cancer stick and an open bag of cheese puffs in her pocketbook.

Glutei dented in on the back, bulging around the borders. An ill-fitting shirt purchased in Sears Clearance aisles, periwinkle with appliqué butterflies. Dashed lines emanating in their wake before halted in arrested development on display. Arrested flight across a bosom that could use updated brassiere. This can be done and why it often isn't boggles.

11:06pm

PMS? I hope so.

Weepy willow over here. Angry at Davis for maybe a reason? Seems to feel there's no problem with me winging out to see him/driving around to visit him. Does he think I am like food? Just order and it arrives? I certainly hope not. I have lingering concern. He doesn't even view the world this way, I believe. I don't know that he considers the underlying unsaids.

I'm feeling clingy and it's so upsetting. As Julie would say, Trigger. I fucking HATE that word.

I'm just scared that what all this means is he doesn't care as much as I do. That I care too much. That caring too much impairs me and any potential relationship goodness.

My impulse is to withhold. But as Sugar says and I took to heart, that makes your heart small, cruel and brittle. It makes you a smaller person. I cannot withhold. It is wrong all around and helps no one.

12:39pm at the desk

Feeling like a sliver. A jaggedy bout of wood that knows it was formed wrong and is powerless to reshape. Sit on the pile till chipper time, or however else they dispose of the ill-wrought.

Don't want to be at work, want to be home, alone. Can't wait to be alone again. Quiet.

Thoughts are going to be scattershot today, so be careful.

Last night driving home I considered an idea: trial run of living together? Like, a month? He could stay with me while he looks? We could feel it out? Hmm.
(Found out he googled the distance between BG & Milwaukee...)

I need to see what kind of assistance I'll be getting before I decide on a place/budget. If I'm out there by early July, I can work a couple months and save save save.

Anyway--I'm irritable. People are loud and ignorant. People don't stop talking. I do not want to deal with pep. I want silence. As if all the volume of humanity was turned down. Of course, I have to qualify that to recorded sound. That's fine to make noise. But person-to-person, real live voices? No thanks, not today. That would be a good story.

Confused about classes I can take. I have to pick about four. Are the list of 5ish the only ones offered? I would like to take that Modern American Lit course but it's a high 700. Kinda want to feel out the lower courses first to see how deep the water runs.

I truly appreciate MR and her effort to engage with me. So sweet. Happy Birthday, Magical Lady.

Post 201

Feeling depressed about my mother and what happens when a life ends.

My mother is so full of belief for ghosts and spirit and afterlife and consciousness beyond existence. Physical existence, she would clarify.

My tears stem from the thought that if she ends with her life on Earth closing, and there's nothing afterward, she certainly won't mind what happened before, just as she didn't mind what happened before she was alive.
But I will mind that she was so filled with insecurity. That she cannot accept a compliment or any sort of gesture of love. That when the four of us sit together at a dinner table, she feels like she is the ignorant one. She gets shut down and/or dismissed. When my sister does it it pains me most. I could go into that but I don't have the energy right now.

I don't want her one and only life to be filled like this. To be characterized by such fear and narrowness.

Boy am I nauseous.

I truly believe, more and more, that this is my only life. There is no afterward. As such, I must make the most of what I can as much as I can. Life is so painfully short. It is like waking up one workday morning just in time to realize you have time to do absolutely nothing.

Is love the ultimate, strongest biological excuse for procreation? Is that why it evolved into something so important for humans? For someone like me?

I feel like my mother is a child I must herd and guide and protect. I don't want her to go into that night alone and scared and worried and stressed and pained. I want her to be free and fancy-free. I want her to be happy. If, when she dies, she does not visit, I will know. I will know how it operates afterward. Though, perhaps visitations are hallucinations or emotional reverb to console our nervous systems. If we have to go to such lengths to get ourselves through the day, then caring so much may not have been the best evolutionary step. Is it one? I need to talk to experts about this.

5:02p

FROM: I can't spend enough time with this guy
TO: FUCK YOU FOR TRYING TO GET ME TO LIVE WITH SOME RANDOM. ARGHHHANGRYTIMEEEE

Hahaha. I think it's a good idea to take a minute and laugh.

Okay. I do not want to live with a random because the whole KW thing soured me on it. It (to use the foul word) "triggers" immensely. He does not seem to get that. Or seems to feel I can move beyond it and everything will be fine blah blah blah why live in a shithouse alone when you can live somewhere nice with a screened roommate? Uh, because DTA, motherfucker. Don't Trust Anybody. No matter what any landlord or any roomie says, you will never know what can happen. I'd rather live in a fucking shithouse than live with someone I don't know. Or even some I do know.

I'm sure he does not grasp the hot trigger going on here. He is being helpful. He wants me to be safe. He said as much. I just do not feel safe with a random. Scares the shit out of me. Trouble breathing and tears coming scared.

It is okay that he doesn't want to live with me. Maybe he does and doesn't want to say anything. Maybe he thinks I don't want to. Maybe he hasn't even thought out that far. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Who the fuck knows.

I feel judged for my lack of money. I feel down and judged that my fears are unimportant. He does not do this, it's what arises. It's good to keep these things straight.

My natural inclination is to withhold and punish. Withhold and PUNISH. FUCK YOU for thinking you could TELL ME. Things of that nature. Revenge plots and nastiness galore.

Also wishing he just would offer to live together. It would save money, be safe and be fun. I mean, it could go terribly wrong. Absolutely could. But come on. It's right in front of your face. Who knows.

4:24p

WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO LIVE WITH ME YOU BONEHEAD.

2:52p

I left out the most important part:

I was able to cry in front of him and let him know the troubles I was having with old mom and pop RE Grad School. He wanted to hear about it. He comforted me. He listened. He said it made him sad to see me sad. He did not trivialize. He was realistic.

He is undoing years and years of anger and suspicion I've carried against men. He is showing me how wrong I was to shut my mind and heart down to the possibility that people like him exist.

I even told him I didn't want to be "the girl with problems" and I feel crying in your lady is "unattractive"--which I know is bowing to the easy outs men provide themselves, and he completely shut that down. So comforting and sweet.

Jesus Christ. In love. And in love because of all the other wonderful things that go with this.

Yesterday, which was a Monday

Wow. Wow wow wowie wow wow. Davis. I love him. Still when with him my thoughts are IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou...

We laid in bed and he smiled and smiled at me and we were happy happy happy, saying how happy we were that we were together. And we are nearly always touching when we sleep and I couldn't love that more or I would explode and then I wouldn't get to feel it anymore.

Dear lord our Egg Conversation. The cosmos, death, children, aging... *NSYNC. (we were in sync, not discussing the boy band)

I told him, "Thank you for being with me." And it was glorious.

I just want to live with him and cut the crap.

We went through the key-broke-in-lock incident swimmingly. We jimmied the door open with a screwdriver and pick implement. The wildest thing was he was so sexy to me, trying to pick that lock. I wanted to fuck him right there. I wanted to stop him in his tracks and blow him to high heaven. Unf. I took a picture. His shoulders a perfect trapezoid of sinew and sex. He has the sexiest goddam shoulders.

And his smell. His smell. I breathed in the sheets as best I could. Heavens to Betsy.

I also talked about how wild it was that I met him of all and that it's gone so gloriously (I use the word again) and I didn't see it coming (as I hear you don't), esp with online dating, and then whammo. There he is. There I am. We. Us.

3:56pm

Ugh. Tears possible.

Mom and Dad are having some mysterious fight about me going to Grad School soon.

I wanted to talk to them both about my tentative plan, but due to the tension going on I realize: I must make this happen alone. Whatever gaps or mistakes I make will be mine and I will own them. I guess I don't need Dad's okay. At least Mom felt it was a good plan. I can do this.

Mom is now waffling on her financial support--"I'm trying to lessen my own personal stress right now." But this is okay. I will do this and I can do this.

I just am upset that there is now tension in the home and that I am in some way a part of it. I don't want that.

Questions:

• What is Dad truly upset about?
• How far will this go?
• How much can I afford to care?

Told Davis what's going on so that I can get my internal angst of the day on the table. No withholding today, thank you very much.

Geez, I feel a swirling pit in my stomach over this.

It will be okay. I can do this. I do look forward to going over things with Julie.

**U-Haul cost is $144.00**

8:26p

ME: I know I was off-kilter yesterday, it was just a big day with a lot of emotion, and I wasn't prepared for the evening to go the way it did, so I had trouble adjusting.

HIM: I didn't even notice... That's fine, don't worry about it. I was just watching the game. (LATER: You did seem quiet, I just figured you had a lot on your mind.)

I don't quite know how I feel about this.

4:54pm

Christ on a cracker. Jesus H Christ. Fuck.

School. School. School.

USF does not offer any TAships which is a definite no-go. I need to teach.


Dreamt last night that a mountain-type cat was lying on an alligator/croc. Then the reptile was cradling the cat and biting at its spine and neck. I saw chunks removed. Then the cat, apparently a survivor, was lying on a blanket, in pain, and PR at work pointed out a dot of fur that was decayed, and implied it would continue to decay.

Alligator 
To see an alligator in your dream symbolizes treachery, deceit, and hidden instincts. It may be a signal for you to take on a new perspective on a situation. 

It may also represent your ability to move between the physical, material world of waking life and the emotional, repressed world of the subconscious. 

Alternatively, the alligator represents healing powers and qualities. An alligator also suggests that you are thick-skinned or insensitive.

To dream that you are running away from the alligator indicates that you are unwilling to confront some painful and disturbing aspect of your subconscious. There is some potentially destructive emotion that you are refusing to acknowledge and owning up to.

The alligator is symbolic of someone who is ruthless, insensitive and treacherous. This person has a strong hold on you despite your efforts to break free from the unhealthy relationship.

According to biblical interpretations, an alligator suggests that leviathan is king over the children of pride. (Psa 74:14, Job 41:1,Isa 27:1) **View Dream Bank: "Alligator In Ostrich Suit"

Crocodile 
To see a crocodile in your dream symbolizes freedom, hidden strength and power. It also forewarns of hidden danger. Someone near you is giving you bad advice and is trying to sway you into poor decisions. Because crocodiles can live in water and on land, they also represent your conscious and subconscious and the emotional and rational. Perhaps something is coming to the surface and you are on the verge of some new awareness.

Alternatively, the crocodile may be an aspect of yourself and your aggressive and "snappy" attitude. Or it may reveal that you are being insincere, displaying false emotions and shedding "crocodile tears".

To dream that you are chased or bitten by a crocodile denotes disappointments in love and in business.

**View Common Dreams: "Crocodile Chase"

Bobcat 
To see a bobcat in your dream suggests that you need to pay close attention to what you see and hear in your daily life.

I think the Bobcat was me. 

2:00pm

Hello, anew!

Now the grand tug of war: My love versus my career. Let the battle commence!

But in other nudes, here are my thoughts:

• He doesn't seem to want to end it in July when I head out. 
• I believe he loves me.
• I fucked him good yesterday. Mmmm. I love the sound of his ragged breathing. 
• I sleep so well with him. 
• And he's King Nuggle. Swoon upon swoon.
• I'm in love with this man.
• I believe in the possibility of this being Him... Him!? Whoa, boy.
• Being around him makes me so happy. 
• And, I feel like Me Me Double Me, Me. KDC. Feel safer being myself with him than I do at home.
• He misses me when I'm gone, and I miss him when I'm not with him.
• We are a great team.
• He's dead sexy. Dead, brilliantly, unequivocally sexy. The way he touches me! I remember the first night at his place, first time touching him and sitting close to him. The way he just stroked my leg and nearly made me cum on the spot.
• The way he touches me just stroking my hair, my neck, any part of me. It's exactly what I love. It's mind-blowing. How does he know? How did I find a person that inherently does what I love.
• So smart. 
• Receptive.
• Interested in me; "I like hearing you ramble."
• "I was having Kate Withdrawals."
• With him, I feel like everything will be okay. That it is surmountable.