11:42a

So what is it this time?

The whole ridiculous rigmarole over Kill Bill. Lying guised as teasing, obstinacy, and pettiness. Trigger: purposely avoiding something I want to do. Not doing what I want to do.

Now, I feel like he doesn't get how backwards he behaved and how it angered me. Though he claims he does.

Still angry and not wanting to let it pass. I want to hurt him and punish him. I don't want to bend first.

Unrelated: resentful that it seems as though he doesn't have to ever do anything he doesn't want to. He never has to be inconvenienced.

6:11pm and breaths

I'm so anxious lately it's painful. Like the old days.

I'm 160 lbs. I'm officially overweight. Lose 10 to start with. You can do this. Fruit, yoga, walks. MKE=swimming.

I am so insecure about Davis. Crying now. Worrying I'm contaminating everything with my fears and worries. I have trouble trusting relationships to begin with and especially ones with men whom I love. The inclination to punish. The fear of rejection and not being good enough. My weight, yet again. My heavens am I lucky all I have to do is drop ten to start with. That's not bad at all. Imagine if I was morbid. Good gravy. Or even more. Okay, that's not the point here. The point here is my fear of Davis. I used to be okay and fine and myself and without worries, and now I'm nothing but worries with him. I can't even enjoy myself. I'm constantly second-guessing and obsessing and angry. My stuff needs to be let go. I need to let go of the anger and the desire to hurt. That will not give me joy. That will not satisfy me. I will only break my own heart or erase it. I cannot do this to him. I love him and I cannot hurt him that way. It's cruel and wrong and I know it.

He thinks I'm sexy. He didn't want me to go.

I must stop with the little details nagging in my head. I must. Just trust it will sort itself out and they'll come to you if they want to or feel the need.

2:59p

To read this fucker you'd think I was always an angry, bf-hating, insecure harpy. Only when I type here lately, it seems.

Off work @ 430, RJB coming in around 6. Big D tells me he's not showing up till around 6... "That fine?" NO IT ISN'T. But it sure tells me, doesn't it? Sure tells me how much you want to see me. How excited you are and how much you miss me...

I am concerned I will rag him publicly. At least I know I have the urge, and I know what will happen if I do so. Ugliness I can't undo.

Okay, K, quit crying at work. Unseemly and then questions to follow.

I didn't even respond. Should I tell him not to come at all?

This all on the heels of me being so excited to see him and missing him so much. Hence the hurt.

Now I'm just zooming off down the road of negative expectation: "he'll be on his goddam phone and watching TV and barely there." Let's not go there, and if that happens, deal with it later. No need to pile on.

Plus, I'm super anxious about this apartment bull shit, though I think Oakland will be it... and I'm pre-menstrual. Does that matter? It shouldn't. I think it does though.

SO ANGRY and more than that, hurt. It's like, don't you want to see me as soon as possible? As much as possible?

I'm so scared of being in this neighborhood of feelings alone.

2:35p

ANGER.

I feel so sad that I'm not with him, and then I want to slap him.

Invites me to trivia night, then says he doesn't even wanna go because of his car troubles. THEN WHY FUCKING BRING IT UP.

Still slightly raw about "i got raped" during rummy. If you joke about rape, there should be a joke in there. Saying "I got raped" to stand in for, "this sucks, I'm losing", isn't funny because it's not quality. It's not worthy of the subject. It's lame and boring. He needs to improve his lexicon.

I'm still angry that he brushed it off. Just another thing. Just another item on the agenda that doesn't bother him. It bothers me he doesn't get bothered. GET ANGRY GODDAMMIT. I'm so sick of this go with the flow bull shit. Of course, I wouldn't want it another way either. I like that he doesn't get worked up. Except when something happens to me. Then I want fireworks and outrage. I don't want someone like my dad who blows it off and thinks it's no big deal. It's a weird reactionary thing I do with men in particular. When they don't get angry and don't get hot about things or get bothered, my own anger and stress magnifies amplifies. Then I get REALLY angry. Just to bait them? Get a rise out of them? Build them up so I can smack them down? When I don't get the outrage (perceived loyalty) I want, then I want to punish and make them angry. make them as uncomfortable as I am. For not getting what I want.

I just want to control and punish and torture men. Part of me does. I want to fuck them up mentally for messing with me. I want to own their happiness. I want to exact all the consequences of their selfishness and disregard for female being. They don't understand, and they should be made to.

I'm still angry at Orch for being a snot-nosed brat like always. I hate being around it. I hate seeing her get away with being a bitch. I want to just sit her down and beat the fuck out of her. Get it together you fucking mean-spirited cunt. I need to let it go but I can't until it's justified. I want that justice. Justice in my view.

I will discuss with Julie tmm.

12:15p

It doesn't mean the same thing to me as it does to you.

MAD MEN has taught me yet another new thing, or an old thing I forgot. I believe it is the former:
There isn't a tribe out there without members assured of their moral certitude. Others certitude and resulting judgments do not affect this. Right?

4:15p

Mad as a hatter. And not in the crazy way, in the fucking angry way.

Goddamn D. Don't fucking condescend to me. Clearly not interested in living together, which is good to know but makes me want to know why.

How much does this buzzard even like me? Maybe if it ends it will be like all his other relationships that was over when it ended and he didn't think about it afterward. Maybe I'll just be another dust mote cast off by the moving pages of his book.

Am I just convenient to him? When I'm no longer convenient I'll get the heave-ho?

On the plus side he clearly doesn't notice or care about my weight problem.

Is this all in my head? My reactions to the male species with whom I am closely tied are hard to leash. Like Tilly on steroids, age 2.

11:42a-11:43

The Big-Time To Do To Folk List:

• When Big D gets that goddamn phone out to look at it over and over, tell him, "Say, Pardner? I'm hitting my limit with the cell phone stuff." Etc.
• When Orch ditches out again on a family event she said she would attend, tell her she gets to tell such-and-so and to say no to begin with. I'm tired of the lying and having to be her secretary.

I am excited about this.