11:42a

So what is it this time?

The whole ridiculous rigmarole over Kill Bill. Lying guised as teasing, obstinacy, and pettiness. Trigger: purposely avoiding something I want to do. Not doing what I want to do.

Now, I feel like he doesn't get how backwards he behaved and how it angered me. Though he claims he does.

Still angry and not wanting to let it pass. I want to hurt him and punish him. I don't want to bend first.

Unrelated: resentful that it seems as though he doesn't have to ever do anything he doesn't want to. He never has to be inconvenienced.

6:11pm and breaths

I'm so anxious lately it's painful. Like the old days.

I'm 160 lbs. I'm officially overweight. Lose 10 to start with. You can do this. Fruit, yoga, walks. MKE=swimming.

I am so insecure about Davis. Crying now. Worrying I'm contaminating everything with my fears and worries. I have trouble trusting relationships to begin with and especially ones with men whom I love. The inclination to punish. The fear of rejection and not being good enough. My weight, yet again. My heavens am I lucky all I have to do is drop ten to start with. That's not bad at all. Imagine if I was morbid. Good gravy. Or even more. Okay, that's not the point here. The point here is my fear of Davis. I used to be okay and fine and myself and without worries, and now I'm nothing but worries with him. I can't even enjoy myself. I'm constantly second-guessing and obsessing and angry. My stuff needs to be let go. I need to let go of the anger and the desire to hurt. That will not give me joy. That will not satisfy me. I will only break my own heart or erase it. I cannot do this to him. I love him and I cannot hurt him that way. It's cruel and wrong and I know it.

He thinks I'm sexy. He didn't want me to go.

I must stop with the little details nagging in my head. I must. Just trust it will sort itself out and they'll come to you if they want to or feel the need.

2:59p

To read this fucker you'd think I was always an angry, bf-hating, insecure harpy. Only when I type here lately, it seems.

Off work @ 430, RJB coming in around 6. Big D tells me he's not showing up till around 6... "That fine?" NO IT ISN'T. But it sure tells me, doesn't it? Sure tells me how much you want to see me. How excited you are and how much you miss me...

I am concerned I will rag him publicly. At least I know I have the urge, and I know what will happen if I do so. Ugliness I can't undo.

Okay, K, quit crying at work. Unseemly and then questions to follow.

I didn't even respond. Should I tell him not to come at all?

This all on the heels of me being so excited to see him and missing him so much. Hence the hurt.

Now I'm just zooming off down the road of negative expectation: "he'll be on his goddam phone and watching TV and barely there." Let's not go there, and if that happens, deal with it later. No need to pile on.

Plus, I'm super anxious about this apartment bull shit, though I think Oakland will be it... and I'm pre-menstrual. Does that matter? It shouldn't. I think it does though.

SO ANGRY and more than that, hurt. It's like, don't you want to see me as soon as possible? As much as possible?

I'm so scared of being in this neighborhood of feelings alone.