3:56pm

Ugh. Tears possible.

Mom and Dad are having some mysterious fight about me going to Grad School soon.

I wanted to talk to them both about my tentative plan, but due to the tension going on I realize: I must make this happen alone. Whatever gaps or mistakes I make will be mine and I will own them. I guess I don't need Dad's okay. At least Mom felt it was a good plan. I can do this.

Mom is now waffling on her financial support--"I'm trying to lessen my own personal stress right now." But this is okay. I will do this and I can do this.

I just am upset that there is now tension in the home and that I am in some way a part of it. I don't want that.

Questions:

• What is Dad truly upset about?
• How far will this go?
• How much can I afford to care?

Told Davis what's going on so that I can get my internal angst of the day on the table. No withholding today, thank you very much.

Geez, I feel a swirling pit in my stomach over this.

It will be okay. I can do this. I do look forward to going over things with Julie.

**U-Haul cost is $144.00**

8:26p

ME: I know I was off-kilter yesterday, it was just a big day with a lot of emotion, and I wasn't prepared for the evening to go the way it did, so I had trouble adjusting.

HIM: I didn't even notice... That's fine, don't worry about it. I was just watching the game. (LATER: You did seem quiet, I just figured you had a lot on your mind.)

I don't quite know how I feel about this.

4:54pm

Christ on a cracker. Jesus H Christ. Fuck.

School. School. School.

USF does not offer any TAships which is a definite no-go. I need to teach.


Dreamt last night that a mountain-type cat was lying on an alligator/croc. Then the reptile was cradling the cat and biting at its spine and neck. I saw chunks removed. Then the cat, apparently a survivor, was lying on a blanket, in pain, and PR at work pointed out a dot of fur that was decayed, and implied it would continue to decay.

Alligator 
To see an alligator in your dream symbolizes treachery, deceit, and hidden instincts. It may be a signal for you to take on a new perspective on a situation. 

It may also represent your ability to move between the physical, material world of waking life and the emotional, repressed world of the subconscious. 

Alternatively, the alligator represents healing powers and qualities. An alligator also suggests that you are thick-skinned or insensitive.

To dream that you are running away from the alligator indicates that you are unwilling to confront some painful and disturbing aspect of your subconscious. There is some potentially destructive emotion that you are refusing to acknowledge and owning up to.

The alligator is symbolic of someone who is ruthless, insensitive and treacherous. This person has a strong hold on you despite your efforts to break free from the unhealthy relationship.

According to biblical interpretations, an alligator suggests that leviathan is king over the children of pride. (Psa 74:14, Job 41:1,Isa 27:1) **View Dream Bank: "Alligator In Ostrich Suit"

Crocodile 
To see a crocodile in your dream symbolizes freedom, hidden strength and power. It also forewarns of hidden danger. Someone near you is giving you bad advice and is trying to sway you into poor decisions. Because crocodiles can live in water and on land, they also represent your conscious and subconscious and the emotional and rational. Perhaps something is coming to the surface and you are on the verge of some new awareness.

Alternatively, the crocodile may be an aspect of yourself and your aggressive and "snappy" attitude. Or it may reveal that you are being insincere, displaying false emotions and shedding "crocodile tears".

To dream that you are chased or bitten by a crocodile denotes disappointments in love and in business.

**View Common Dreams: "Crocodile Chase"

Bobcat 
To see a bobcat in your dream suggests that you need to pay close attention to what you see and hear in your daily life.

I think the Bobcat was me. 

2:00pm

Hello, anew!

Now the grand tug of war: My love versus my career. Let the battle commence!

But in other nudes, here are my thoughts:

• He doesn't seem to want to end it in July when I head out. 
• I believe he loves me.
• I fucked him good yesterday. Mmmm. I love the sound of his ragged breathing. 
• I sleep so well with him. 
• And he's King Nuggle. Swoon upon swoon.
• I'm in love with this man.
• I believe in the possibility of this being Him... Him!? Whoa, boy.
• Being around him makes me so happy. 
• And, I feel like Me Me Double Me, Me. KDC. Feel safer being myself with him than I do at home.
• He misses me when I'm gone, and I miss him when I'm not with him.
• We are a great team.
• He's dead sexy. Dead, brilliantly, unequivocally sexy. The way he touches me! I remember the first night at his place, first time touching him and sitting close to him. The way he just stroked my leg and nearly made me cum on the spot.
• The way he touches me just stroking my hair, my neck, any part of me. It's exactly what I love. It's mind-blowing. How does he know? How did I find a person that inherently does what I love.
• So smart. 
• Receptive.
• Interested in me; "I like hearing you ramble."
• "I was having Kate Withdrawals."
• With him, I feel like everything will be okay. That it is surmountable.