5:02p

FROM: I can't spend enough time with this guy
TO: FUCK YOU FOR TRYING TO GET ME TO LIVE WITH SOME RANDOM. ARGHHHANGRYTIMEEEE

Hahaha. I think it's a good idea to take a minute and laugh.

Okay. I do not want to live with a random because the whole KW thing soured me on it. It (to use the foul word) "triggers" immensely. He does not seem to get that. Or seems to feel I can move beyond it and everything will be fine blah blah blah why live in a shithouse alone when you can live somewhere nice with a screened roommate? Uh, because DTA, motherfucker. Don't Trust Anybody. No matter what any landlord or any roomie says, you will never know what can happen. I'd rather live in a fucking shithouse than live with someone I don't know. Or even some I do know.

I'm sure he does not grasp the hot trigger going on here. He is being helpful. He wants me to be safe. He said as much. I just do not feel safe with a random. Scares the shit out of me. Trouble breathing and tears coming scared.

It is okay that he doesn't want to live with me. Maybe he does and doesn't want to say anything. Maybe he thinks I don't want to. Maybe he hasn't even thought out that far. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Who the fuck knows.

I feel judged for my lack of money. I feel down and judged that my fears are unimportant. He does not do this, it's what arises. It's good to keep these things straight.

My natural inclination is to withhold and punish. Withhold and PUNISH. FUCK YOU for thinking you could TELL ME. Things of that nature. Revenge plots and nastiness galore.

Also wishing he just would offer to live together. It would save money, be safe and be fun. I mean, it could go terribly wrong. Absolutely could. But come on. It's right in front of your face. Who knows.