7:00pm

Getting the symptoms of a panic attack. Shortness of breath, nausea, teary, fear. 

Just watched The Invisible War (Kirby Dick, Amy Ziering; 2012) and I feel so knocked out.  I have not and never wanted to join the military.  I understand the desire to join, but I fear for those that do.  Not just women.  That environment is so beyond toxic and horrifyingly dangerous.  Rape is an "occupational hazard of military service."  What does that even mean?  What does that say?  Why?!

I mentioned that I watched the movie to Mom and mentioned a detail from it, just to emphasize my personal horror - this one survivor's pelvis was rotated due to her attack.  Mom then shut me down and walked away, continually and with much irritation repeating that she didn't want to hear it and she won't go there.  I repeated I wasn't going to continue, but she kept on.  As if I was attacking her.  Of course, this is the woman that won't admit I was raped, and basically concluded that what happened to me was my fault/a result of my poor judgment.  Despite the fact she was the first person to point out to me she thought I had been raped.

This is an ongoing and quasi-recent dilemma I have with my mother.  She's been like this, but lately it's getting worse.  She's highly defensive and cranky ever since this guy at her job got fired.  She's worried he'll come back to the office and attack or something.  I mean, the guy is a whackjob.  I wouldn't be shocked if I saw him profiled on the nightly news for some violent episode.  However, he is a weenie.  He may blow, but he is also highly ineffectual.  I can't honestly gauge if her concern is valid or just an exaggeration.  To her it's life-size, and that's all I can go on.  The result for her family is she doesn't really give a hoot what problems we're dealing with.

This is not to say my mother is often like this.  She can be the most understanding, helpful, supportive person on the planet.  But she is cyclical--there's always that selfish phase she has to go through for a while before she returns.  When she's all het up about her own fears/anxieties, just walk away.  She is of no help to you. 

This part of her personality I am familiar with and consequently, I don't get as mad or hurt by it.  It's not really about me.  The part I am frustrated with is her unwillingness to end her enabling.  Her feeling about a) rape in the military:  "I've never understood why women would ever want to join the military when they know what could easily happen."  b)  religious toleration:  "people are always going to believe this stuff and they may be right and it's up to them so why are you getting so upset about it?  You can't change it, so just let it go." 

I absolutely despise this attitude.  It's my fault for being upset about social issues that touch me deeply.  Things aren't going to change, people are what they are, so get over it and try to live your own life.  Except you can't do that, because all of this shit does affect my "own life".  Ignoring it or avoiding it doesn't work.  It doesn't help.  It's not right.

This is the moral standstill I'm currently engaged in.  My parents are strong advocates of leaving things alone, and I am not.  I'm chided for being the way I am.  I'm asking for upset and trouble.  Fuck.  My own mother?  How does she not see that avoidance is a crapola response to hard, deep, searing trauma and hypocrisy? 

Wonder what she'll think when I tell her I have a therapy appt Tuesday?  I believe she'll be fine with it but... hmm.  We'll see what happens.

Not one of my most well-written entries here, but one of the most necessary.