11:25am

I am angry. And it's all right.

Let's break it down. EO. That name/face/recognition of all stripes instantly prompts me to be angry and uncomfortable. Jittery? Frazzled.
She was involved in that group, and she adored and praised and supported and stoked all their egos. She stoked egos. That's a peeve.
She cheered me on in doing something I consider dishonest and at the very least, was a crappy friend move against her soul brother SSC. But is it just her association with that whole mess? Is it my anger at myself manifesting and redirecting toward her? Could be.
I am jealous at her prowess in the dept. I am jealous that she was beloved and revered. Or did it just appear so?
I disdain her for appearing so worldly, loving and wise when those she surrounded herself with her a bunch of fatuous bozos, shoulder-chipped children angling for a reputation.
I loathed all the slobbery praise going around in a massive, lazy circle jerk.
I wished she would see the good in me and take my side. I wanted a comrade, even though I knew she was not the one.
I hated being ganged up on. I hated that she was the loving one and the kind one and I didn't qualify. I hated that she enabled or accepted what was going on. It really wasn't her responsibility to stop it, but it blew me away that she accepted it. It didn't make sense.

These are all emotional and passive misdemeanors at best. This is not a whole lot to go on considering this happened in college, and hey! Look at how I was in college. Nonetheless, she's a trace. A reminder of that time in my life and the anguish I was working out. I am still working it out.

I am just angry today. Hypocrites and liars. I feel tubby. Sciatica(?) hurts. Clothes, meh. IM not responding and putting me in a shitbag position. Fucking tired of family bull shit. Lonely. Lazy. Anger at spiritual life vs. nothing. Thinking a lot about Mom dying.